Something Like Human
by MyselfandTom
Summary: "It seems to him there are a thousand bars and behind the bars, no world. As he paces in cramped circles, over and over, the movement of his powerful soft strides is like a ritual dance around a center in which a mighty will stands paralyzed." - Rainer Rilke, "The Panther". Banner backstory which will lead into Avengers. SLASH. Eventual Hulkeye. Read note inside for more.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Just to warn you, this fic is going to be full of things that make you tilt your head and go wtf? This is an AU backstory that will eventually lead into my own version of the Incredible Hulk movie and The Avengers. Also, since the Marvel Cinematic Universe is in no way associated with the X-Men, my Sebastian Shaw in this story is not the same as in the comics or the X-Men movie. And, Mark Ruffalo's Banner is the one I'm depicting here.

**Pairing:** Bruce/Sebastian in the beginning, eventual Hulkeye (Bruce/Clint)

**Rating:** M

**Warning(s):** Many: SLASH. Violence, bad language, alcohol and drug use, consensual sexual relations, mental illness, mentions of physical child abuse and suicidal thoughts and overall dark themes. Again, this is an Alternate Universe story! Some characters backstories have changed as well. Did I mention this was SLASH. M/M relationships people. You've been warned.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything except the characters I've created.

**Summary:** "It seems to him there are a thousand bars and behind the bars, no world. As he paces in cramped circles, over and over, the movement of his powerful soft strides is like a ritual dance around a center in which a mighty will stands paralyzed." - Rainer Rilke, "The Panther".

* * *

><p><span><strong>The End of the Beginning<strong>

**Part 1, Ch. 1**

_I had pulled the trigger. _

_It had seemed so easy. Holding the gun, feeling the weight and accepting that it was the only possible way; that it was the only logical conclusion. _

_What I had done. _

_My thoughts kept going back. Back to the last time I saw him, held his warm, vibrate and breathing body in my arms. The way he smiled, so shy yet capturing my heart every time he did it. And his lips; so soft and sweet when we kissed. Lying in bed, he told me how much he'd love me._

_If I've only known then what I did now. What I had become._

_What I was becoming._

_I didn't because I thought we were fine. Everything had been so good. There were no signs warning me of the future, or so I thought. For a man who needed answers and truth, the fact that I'd hid it so passionately from myself was startling. M__y mind was fine. What I felt, what I thought, what I saw and heard was all normal and everything was okay. My truth was that nothing was wrong. _

_But everything was wrong. _

_I was afraid, I was scared, and I had ignored the warnings. The things I had done reminded me of my own desperate attempts to calm my father, of convincing him that what he thought of me wasn't real. That I wasn't a monster or a freak._

_What scared me the most was the thought of Sebastian leaving me. __If it meant nothing and he left, I would have been okay. However, it meant everything. He meant fucking everything and I'd be damned if he left. I couldn't let that happen._

_I was convinced that if he left then I would die. Literally die. There was no reason to question that thought. It had been the most absolute thought in my mind for months. That thought spurred my fear, my love, my hate and anger…I believed it as if it was the fundamental truth to my existence._

_It was my truth. If he left, I would die. _

_In a way, I had been right. I just wasn't expecting this. Nor was I expecting the gun to be empty. I mean, why was it empty? I didn't do that._

_Turning it in my hand, staring down at the barrel I felt myself smile. It had been in irony; a sadistic twisted little grin. Bringing the gun up, I closed my eyes, took one last breath…_

'Click'

_The breath that I released shook my body. _

_Feeling the gun shake against my temple, I nearly cried out in anguish. This couldn't be happening. The magazine dropped to my lap and I saw it was empty. Pulling the slide back, I saw no round in the chamber. _

_Change of plan._

_Tossing the gun across the kitchen, I stood to get a knife but the moment I got to my feet I saw him._

_It wasn't the man that would save my life, but the man that might take it from me. General Ross stood in the archway between the back door and the kitchen, the long barrel of a gun aimed directly at my chest. "Bruce...Banner."_

_His voice was steady despite the disbelief and obvious fear his eyes. It made my own hands flex in rage. The fact that I could still feel anything surprised me and I tensed at the sight of him._

_My voice was just as steady as I said simply, "Go 'head, do it. I'm so fucking tired."_

_With a newly reclaimed strength and courage, he ordered me to put the knife down. I hadn't even realized I had picked it up._

_"Bruce, please," he said like he was trying to tame a wild animal, "put the knife down, son, and back away."_

_It almost worked. I almost dropped it, however, the second I saw him I saw my mother. I saw her lying dead in a pool of her own blood in the driveway of my childhood home and my father kneeling over her body screaming in rage after he'd murdered her. In that moment I knew I couldn't continue going on. I had to stop myself. I had to stop what that man had caused me to do._

_I raised the knife as my hands begun to shake as if they weren't mine. They were fighting against the plunging arms that were trying desperately to drive the knife into my own chest. Pain exploded in my legs, buckling my knees as I hit the floor. My back arched and ached as if someone was pulling me from behind as my fingers tensed and I let out a hollowing scream._

_What happened after that was all a blur. A green blur of rage. To say I lost it was an understatement._

_Then the green fog lifted as I came back to awareness and the only thing I heard through the buzzing in my head and the pounding in my chest were sirens. A hell of a lot of sirens and then I saw the red, blue, and white lights swirling in circles around the tress, snow, and buildings while more guns were being pointed at me._

"Stupid Banner! You didn't run! Wanted to run! Get far away!"

_I realized very quickly that I was no longer in my kitchen. There was melting snow under my body, stars and moonlight above me, and it was so fucking cold. Early January bitter air cut through my body and I sucked in a cold breath that froze my lungs._

_This time when I was told to get on my stomach, I obeyed. As I rolled over in the snow, I silently willed them to take me out of my misery. I wanted them to kill me, but I would never attack them first. I would never force them to make that life or death decision. I really didn't want to hurt anybody and that included not wanting them to live the rest of their lives knowing that they had ended mine._

"_Arms out at your side," a cop ordered. "Legs up. Do it!"_

_I complied while telling them all, "I'm not going to run."_

_Suddenly I was surrounded. One cop had crossed my legs at the ankles and was pressing his knee down on them to keep me from getting up while another kneed my back as he cuffed my wrists. The cuffs pinched but I refused to complain. The trees in the distance had begun to blur in my vision and I realized it was from the tears that had welled._

_"I didn't mean to do it," I told the cops. "Did I hurt anyone?"_

_In the silence that enveloped my mind, I swore I heard a sharp intake of breath right before a whisper of God's name. It sounded like Rick's voice behind me but I couldn't turn my head to see the disappointment in his eyes that he had uttered in devastation._

_I knew what they were all thinking. They didn't have to speak a word for me to hear them, to see it in their eyes. I was a monster. I had officially lost it. I was a bad man. A bad person._

_I had become what I had feared the most._

_Despite what they thought, I knew the truth. I knew it wasn't me. Did they really think I was capable of that? Yes, they did. They all thought it._

_They knew my past. They knew what my father had done to my mother. They knew why I had so many anger issues. General Ross had told me he'd known, but didn't care. However, they didn't know that I'd also been a victim. That all I could think of when I let just a tiny part of myself get angry was my father standing over me with a deeply troubled frown, hands clenched and at the ready. And all I could hear in my head was his voice berating me, dehumanizing me, calling me a monster and a freak while slamming me into the ground, throwing me against the wall, and hitting me over and over again._

"You've changed." _Betty had told me that once and it had stuck in my head like a broken record. I had changed._

_Shifting my focus away from the white snow I was staring at, I glared at the tall uniformed man who appeared next to General Ross as my body felt numb; too numb to still be functioning properly. _

_The uniformed man knelt down in front of me and that was when I read his nameplate. "So, we finally get to meet. I'm Alexander Pierce, and you, Dr. Banner, are now property of the United States government. _My _property."_

_I blinked and tried to focus but everything was tinting in my vision to a light green._

_The cool expression on Pierce's face suddenly changed as if he was seeing something that frightened him more than God himself. I realized I was smiling again. Then, I heard it, the laughing that came bubbling up from the depths of my tortured and damned soul. It wasn't a laugh generated from humor, but of sorrow from a dying man, of a soul being slaughtered by its own self. Its own protector. My heart felt like it was dropping into my stomach, twisting within the waste. It was the tainted filth that was slowly devouring everything pumping blood and gamma radiation through my veins._

_Then, finally, my voice broke free of the pained laughter. "The gun was empty," I said before laughing again. Everyone's eyes were on me as they watched the lunatic lying in the snow. I wasn't crazy. I was getting angry. They would see, just as I have. They would all see what I could do if they made me angry._

_Pierce pulled a long thick needle from his pocket and I tensed as he jammed it into my neck. Once the laughter settled, it settled everything else. My mind clouded over as my body relaxed into something resembling dead weight. My legs felt as heavy as cinder blocks. It was like someone was draining the life right out of my body. I could feel the pull in the ground that anchored me._

_The cops were gone in a blink replaced by military officials and MP's. Ross disappeared then reappeared with a change of clothes. The next thing I felt was an arm lifting me up. Legs moved with mine, steadying me but pulling me in the direction they wanted and that was to an awaiting van. The cuffs came off and they told me I could dress. Reaching out, I saw for the first time the dried blood that was covering my hands and forearms. I shouldn't have been surprised but was. Turning my hands over, I examined them more closely as if by studying the blood hard and long enough it would give me the answer as to why it was there._

_I knew why, but I was still playing the game of denial._

_Ross had come closer to hand out the clothes for me to take. I looked into his eyes but he quickly looked away._

_It was then that I realized my clothes, what was left of them, were torn to near shreds and barely hung on my body. My shirt was gone. Changing into a pair of blue jeans and a white t-shirt, I felt slightly normal and less vulnerable. No one had to instruct me as I put my hands behind my back. Once the cuffs were once again restraining the monster, I was grabbed and pushed into the van._

_Blinking back, I looked around and saw no one else in the van. There was an old metal grating separating the driver from whoever was in the back. This was a police van and I was the criminal. The monster._

_Sighing, I rested my head against the side and closed my eyes._

"_Hey, hey, jackoff, wake up!"_

_The voice broke through my mind like a whip being snapped and I flinched as my eyes jerk. The van was parked at the back entrance to very huge building. I assumed the door I was staring at was the one they escorted criminals through that lead directly to a jail cell. The cool night air hit me as I got out and let them recapture my shoulders. The building was huge and about six stories and as I looked up, I saw the lights of the top floor on. Beyond the lights of the building I saw the sky but no stars. There was too much ambient light that they were washed out._

_I had a feeling it would be the last time I would see the starless sky._

_I hoped my death wouldn't be painful. I heard that only the pinprick of the needle was the only pain a murderer felt before they were given the lethal injection that stopped their heart._

_They didn't take me to a cell and that confused me before I realized they were taking me to the elevators. My breath caught in my chest and my legs nearly gave out as I was shoved inside and the doors closed. A buzzing started in my head as my chest burned from not being able to breathe. Grey started to creep into my vision as it blurred._

_The doors opened and I finally felt a rush of air push out of my lungs. It took a lot of effort to will my legs to move and once they did I was escorted into a room full of desks and computer monitors and people. The looks I got didn't bother me much. I stared right back until they all looked away, ignoring my penetrating dark eyes and pretended I wasn't there._

_Cold and grey; it was suffocating._

_That was what the room felt like as I tried not to let my claustrophobia get to me in this room. They would try to play me like so many other people, try to get my confession. But first they would make me sweat it out. It was my turn to sit there and await the coming storm. For the truth to be told like a penance. There was no apology in the room. No words could take back what I had done._

_Taking my eyes off the table, I looked to the two-way mirror and I felt their eyes on me, burning into my skin. Oh, I knew exactly what was going on. I've been in this position before. I've been watched by so many people like a hawk; I've been stripped down and got to. I've felt more pain, experienced more suffering, breathed in more toxic air than they would even know. Bit-by-bit, I've been taken apart so they could use me to get what they wanted._

_It wasn't just the science, but the humanity. I let them tear me apart so no one else would have to suffer. I put myself in that position, as the leader, the volunteer...The goddamn guinea pig, and all for, what, exactly?_

_For this? And all those people right now on the other side of that glass couldn't touch a single fraction of what I could do. _

_They couldn't get to me like I could get to me. _

_They didn't know what I was thinking or how I felt. If they did, they would have known that I didn't want this. That I didn't want to hurt anyone._

_I was ready to get up as I slammed my hand down on the table in anger but the door opened and it took all my strength not to move. Staring into both of their eyes, I breathed heavily out as I uttered their names in great pain and misery as the guilt strangled me._

_I wouldn't kill anyone, especially not the two of them. Never, not in a million years. They friends, more specifically my friends. I didn't have many of those._

"_Rick? Betty?"_

"They're here? In this room with you right now?"

Their images faded quickly from my mind, as did the room and the smell of guilt that had whiffed through the air. _No, they weren't there. It was all in his head. Memories that plagued my ever waking moment and nightmareish sleep. _I shook my head but kept my mouth shut. I refused to answer.

"How about Sebastian?"

Shaking my head, I still didn't say anything.

"And the other guy? Is he here?"

My jaw flexed as I found myself answering, "The other guy...has always been here, and will always be here." I caught myself before I could say too much.

After that, I tried to disappear. I had made too much of a fool of myself already. Besides, he wouldn't understand the importance of what I'd just told him. The significance and what it truly meant.

No one understood.

In trying to disappear, I sat as quietly in the chair as possible, hoping I would be forgotten as I listened to the scratching of pen over paper. The room was cold and freezing as my body slightly shook. Every wall was white; the lights were bright, reflecting like the sun in my eyes. If I looked up, they would blind me. Not daring to take a glance, I kept my eyes downcast and stared at the white tile floor under the blue slippers that covered my feet. They didn't allow shoes with strings, or belts, or free will. They liked to drain that out of you on the first day.

It reminded me of being broken down by my father. Being stripped of thinking on my own, for myself, and having to listen and obey orders. And if I refused...Now, now that I didn't want to think about. All I've done was cower in terror my whole life. The times I stopped listening to them and started listening to myself, well…that meant I had gone fucking crazy, hadn't it? All of them were nothing but hypocrites.

"Do you still dream of her," a deep, almost calming voice asked. The same voice that always asked me ridiculous questions like that day in and day out. "I'm talking about your mother Rebecca this time."

The thought of that man using her first name like it was nothing, meant nothing, set my head on fire. My hands clenched as a tight lump grew as I gave a slow nod. I always dreamt of her. The jerk knew that. He kept notes.

"How do you feel about the dreams?"

Swallowing the tight lump, I weakly answered because why not? _Banner always yields, like a weakling. Never standup, never fight back...Puny!…_God, shut-up. "Scared."

"Tell me about them?"

Clearing the lump out of my throat, the dryness of my lips pulled tightly on my skin as I answered, "I'm standing there." The cotton in my throat returned as a tight grip of fear at the nightmare, the same nightmare I have had every night, replayed in my mind. "And I see her. She's motionless on the ground, and...she's bleeding." Taking a deeply strangled breath, I finished, "Sometimes, I, uh…I can't tell the difference if it's a dream or real."

"And this scares you? Why?"

Feeling my body start to shake, I needed to know that I wasn't crazy. That she was alive and waiting for me, and that she wasn't dead or worse, a figment of my demented imagination. It was so profound that I trembled with even the slightest of doubt that she had, in fact, never been. "Eh—uh, it, uh…" it was getting difficult to keep all my emotions under control. I felt like breaking, like caving in on myself if it meant that I could continue to see her, hear her, and smell her. "It s-scares me because…" pausing and breathing hard, I shook my head heavily, saying, "of how it happened."

"You've already told me that you knew your father had killed your mother. He did it right in front of you."

I shook my head. He was pulling me along, leading me to the answer he wanted. He knew what I meant. He knew my greatest fear. "It's not that. It's that I don't know if…his anger," I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "If my father's rage...rages in me."

"Do you know where Sebastian is now?"

I said nothing.

"He's dead."

That sounded like the cruelest lie that was ever told. My head shook furiously back-and-forth as the tears welled.

"You killed him."

A deep strangled cry escaped the tight hold on my throat; the anguish that filled my heart rocked me to my very soul and ripped it out. "N-no…No!" Staring up at the man's eyes that bore into mine, I yelled, "You're lying," as the anger slammed into me like a sledgehammer. "You," the words tumbled out, "son-of-a-bitch."

The man didn't react. Instead, he stayed calmly seated in the chair and pierced my eyes with a pair of cool calculating blue. "I'm your friend, Bruce, you know I'm not lying. If you were so certain than there wouldn't be any doubt. You would have nothing to be scared of."

My throat grew too tight and raw to talk. Sitting back in the chair, I shifted my tired eyes to the floor again. Ignoring my doctor as I tried to regain control. I felt like attacking, like ripping his fucking head off for telling such a lie.

"But you are scared," the doctor continued. "You're scared because you know I'm telling the truth. It's been almost a month; you need to start accepting, you need to start healing."

Shaking my head again and closing my eyes as the tears threatened to fall, I told him, "It's too hard for me to accept this. I, I can't."

"Yes, you can. Listen, Bruce, it's only going to be harder, get harder, if you can't do this now."

"It's already too late, been too long," The damage I had caused. If it was true, then that meant I would never get out of that hospital. Out of my cell. My life was over.

I had no life. I was a murderer.

"Listen to me, Bruce. Are you listening?"

I didn't look up but nodded to confirm to him that I was, indeed, listening.

"I know that it's a terribly frightening, confusing, and disturbing feeling to wake up and discover that you've done something that can't be easily forgiven. But you have to understand, you have to at least accept that it happened. Do you accept this? Bruce, do you accept that you killed a man? That you're responsible for the death of Sebastian Shaw?"

At that last part, my whole body succumbed to the growing fear and exhaustion. Sighing in defeat I buried my head in my quivering hot hands, which was hard seeing how my arms were strapped down to the chair. My forearms flexed against the restraints as I felt my anger surge.

The flexing turned painful as the rage intensified and I was suddenly being drugged as a needle stung my neck. The anger faded but the taunting was still there along with the huffing and deep roar that echoed through my skull.

Over the static in my ears I heard a soft voice calmly ask, "Bruce? Do you accept this as real?"

Breathing deeply into my hot and sweaty hands I gave him a nod, only one, not trusting myself to speak just yet. If I spoke, I would say a lot of things I wouldn't regret, but it would put my treatment back a month. I would have threatened him that I hoped his whole entire world would be set on fire for spewing such filth.

What really set me off was that I was starting to believe the filth.

Sliding my hands down my face, I peered over at the doctor sitting behind the sterile white desk. "Yes," I acknowledge for the first time with a trembling rough voice that had been tightened by my own reluctance to say anything other than 'fuck you'. "I accept."

"Because you want to get better?"

It would have felt so damn good to have told him off. Instead, with a shaking head, I shifted my damned dark eyes up to him as I gravely told him, "I want to forget."

The doctor nodded a little with a shadow of worry etched in his eyes. He should be worried; he tempted a reluctant man who still, in the depths of his soul somewhere, believed that the world he had lived in for the past two to three years was the truth. I felt like a caged beast, an animal, being denied his one freedom in the only world he knew.

It brought that poem to mind; one of my favorites by Rainer Rilke called 'The Panther'. There were many different translations of the German poem, but my favorite version was this:

"_His vision, from the constantly passing bars, has grown so weary that it can not hold anything else. It seems to him there are a thousand bars and behind the bars, no world. As he paces in cramped circles, over and over, the movement of his powerful soft strides is like a ritual dance around a center in which a mighty will stands paralyzed. Only at times, the curtains of the pupils lifts, quietly-An image enters in, rushes down through the tensed, arrested muscles, plunges into the heart and is gone."_

The doctor motioned for someone to come forward and then I felt strong arms holding me back to the chair as I started to struggle. The pinprick of another needle injection stung for a second before numbness spread from my arm throughout my entire body. As my will was restrained and soon to be paralyzed just like that of the panther, my intensely focused eyes changed until I was staring wildly at the doctor sitting across the desk. The numbness was taking effect, making me heavy as my arms dropped to my lap as the restraints were unfastened. They were un-caging the animal because there was no longer a threat. Then the chair started to move, taking me further away from the room where I had announced my deepest fear. I could see my words splattered on the walls and dripping with blood as if I were at a horrific crime-scene. The stench of my soul lingered in the air like the tainted smell of death.

The drug paralyzed my body, but not my senses. Not yet anyway.

Darkness and bright light came and went through my clouded eyes making shapes of shadows that I could never be certain were real or imagined. There was no time where I was held; not a window or a clock telling me that the world was still spinning around outside those walls. That the world had gone on without me in it. Finally, blinking up at a dark ceiling, the fog lifted at the same time the pain hit. I groaned as the spot where I had been injected with the needle started to burn. Rubbing my upper left arm, I rolled onto my side and stared at the familiar walls that had become my home for only God knows how long. A month, right? Isn't that what the doctor had said?

_Crazy, weak Banner...You're not strong! Never be as strong as Hulk! _

I willed that voice away as I looked around the room. The only light in the small room came through the small window in the door. It was a dim light from the hallway, indicating that it was probably night and we were all supposed to be sleeping. The funny thing was I never saw the 'they' I knew had to be there. The 'they' were the other patients. Whenever I was taken from the room, it was only after they drugged me and I had no recollection of seeing anyone except for the man in the office. Doctor Leonard Samson. He was my doctor; the one that had decided that I was crazy. And then the woman, who was the only person to inject the drugs into my veins, was my nurse.

And I couldn't admit that I was, in fact, out of my mind. Was this what my father had been feeling and thinking all those years locked up in a mental hospital? He had been in one for killing my mother. And I was here for killing Sebastian.

At least that was what I was told because I didn't remember what happened to Sebastian...

_"You've changed."_

Closing my eyes, I wasn't certain of anything anymore. My entire existence was stripped away and what had seemed so real before now only felt like vapors of a non-existent world. The pain in my side grew from lying on the padded floor so I slowly got up so not to get sick. Lesson learned from the last time; I wasn't about to repeat it. The drugs that were still mixing with my blood would make me nauseous if I moved too quickly.

Going over to the door, I stared out at the dimly lit hallway and frowned. I couldn't see anything except a white concrete wall across from the room that encased my body. There were no other doors leading to other rooms, but that didn't necessarily mean that they didn't exist. Or my mind was messing with me again. Making me believe I was the only patient. That I was something if not somewhat special to be trapped in my own private hell.

If I was still questioning my sanity then that had to be good, right? If I questioned my sanity it meant that I was sane? I nearly laughed as I looked around at the padded walls that were starting to move closer, caving in around me. I was in a fucking mental institution, yet I still insisted that I was sane.

It all seemed like a bad dream; a nightmare leaving behind figments in my mind. When I reached out to search my mind to get the details to remember the dream, the figments faded away. I couldn't remember.

There was no hope for me now. Not ever. My body began to sag against the door as my head pounded against the glass. It didn't matter what I had or hadn't done, I was still sitting in a small padded room.

There was only one question on my mind as I gave into exhaustion and slid down the door; and while I wrapped my arms around my legs as I buried my head into my knees.

_What was going to happen to me now that they knew about the 'other guy'?_

TBC...


	2. Chapter 2

**The End of the Beginning**

**Part 1, Ch. 2**

_2 Years Earlier_

_Culver University_

_Willowdale, Virginia_

"She's really pretty, Bruce."

Rick was at it again. It had been a week of this and I didn't think I could take any more as I breathed heavily and shook my head. He wasn't going to give up. I strolled slowly over to my desk trying to give myself time to think of something to explain to him again why I wasn't interested. Our scheduled lab session had ended three hours ago but we had been too busy with our respected projects to have noticed.

"Let it go, Rick," I said cautiously as I shrugged off my lab coat.

"I'm not asking you to marry her. And you won't be alone."

"That makes it less awkward," I said as I rolled my eyes and slung my lab coat over the back of my chair. At catching the look in his eyes as he crossed his arms and pleaded with me, I knew I was going to break. I could feel it. "Why are you asking me anyway? She's your best friend; don't you think that setting her up with me is…" _Dangerous to our friendship? Irrational thinking on your part?…_"Compromising?"

Rick wrinkled his face in confusion. "Compromising? She's going back to Arizona in a week. How could anything that happens in a week be compromising?" When I still didn't answer, he let out a frustrated sigh and said, "You're both single and I think you two will hit it off. You need to get laid, my friend."

Five months without a date and he was setting me up, with his childhood best friend no less. I wasn't the only one who apparently thought I was pathetic. Or maybe he thought I was desperate…And honestly, despite Rick being my best friend, I didn't want him to know that maybe I was. As we fell in-step to head to the doors, I asked a little too sarcastically, "Is she a Wildcat's fan too?"

"Yes. Bruce," Rick was saying as we rounded the corner, "you only have to have dinner with us one night."

I swiped my ID badge to unlock the air-locked doors that secured the labs from the rest of the building and waited for them to open. Sometimes the damn things got stuck. "So, you want me to accompany her on your date with your girlfriend, so she won't feel like the third wheel."

"Exactly," Rick said with a smile as he slapped him on his back. "You're starting to understand this absurd concept called social interaction. Only took you thirty-four years."

The doors finally opened and we were able to leave. After scanning my ID badge through several more locked doors, we reached the main corridor that lead out of the building. No longer needing my glasses to see, I took them off and stuffed them into my inside suit jacket pocket. It took the entire walk across the quad and to the parking lot across the street for me to make up my mind. I _was_ a single man and she would only be in the city for a week; the only reason she was coming was for a guest lecture on the advances in the field of Psychology. It wasn't like I was being set up on a blind date with hopes of a lasting relationship. All this had to be was just a few nights out with my best friend's friend.

I still couldn't believe that Rick was asking me of all people. Looking up at him, because he was taller, I asked once again to try and get him to see the lines what we would be crossing in our personal friendship if I agreed. "And you don't think it's compromising? She's your longtime best friend. You've known her since you were kids in Arizona. She's your age."

Rick glared down into my eyes as he stopped me in my tracks with a hand to my chest. In his eyes was his signature look of 'I'm through asking, it's either yes or no so make up your mind, moron'. I hated that look. "Yes, she's my age. What's the big deal, we're only eight years apart."

"_Only_?"

"You're afraid aren't you? You think that you'll end up falling in love with her or something?"

_Wait, what? _At that remake I felt my blood rush from my face. He had it all wrong. I wasn't afraid of the friend. I was afraid of being on a double date with her, period. I was afraid of feeling intimidated by the woman. And I was afraid that she would see what I've been denying myself for years now; that I was absolutely, and terrifyingly, gay. "No, it's, just…Why me?"

Rick shrugged as he started toward his car. "Why not? You're a great guy."

"Whatever you say, Millhouse." Rick shoved me and I laughed as I caught my balance. "Hey, I'm not the one who named you after Nixon."

Rick didn't laugh as he stared right at me and said, "Why do you do that? Take whatever compliment you get and dismiss it. Sometimes I feel like I'm the older, mature one in this friendship."

That nearly did it. A burning pain set in my chest and gut and I could no longer look at my best friend.

"Hey," Rick said as he grabbed my shoulder and gave a reassuring squeeze. "I mean it, Bruce." I tried to shrug the hand away but he kept a firm hold; if I was truly being honest with myself I'd kept that warm hand there forever. "You are a great guy. I may be your only friend, but I know you and I know that you won't hurt Rachael."

"Rachael? That's her name?"

He gave a nod as he finally dropped his hand. "And, if she doesn't want anything more than a nice guy to dance with while we're out, I know that you won't try to take advantage." Rick turned and walked the last remaining steps to his car. "You're coming out with us tomorrow night Bruce, whether you like it or not." He stopped and turned, staring me down like I was suddenly not Bruce Banner but a specimen in one of his jars.

I smirked. He was so fucking cute when he thought he was putting his foot down with me. Shaking my head, I quickly got that thought out of it. I wasn't in love love with Rick, I just couldn't help but notice the man's incredibly good looks from time to time. He was a little over six feet tall with short brownish red hair, blue eyes, and he had a slight lisp when he talked. It was adorable.

"And if we do end up back at my place," I teased, but it was a serious question. I wasn't planning on having sex with Rachael, but I hadn't planned on having sex with the last girl I attempted an ill-fated relationship with either.

Rick smirked right back and said, "Then you better be good because she tells me everything."

_She did _what_?! No, no way that I can_…Rick was laughing. _Why is he laugh_-…Oh, he was good. Rick could always beat me in a jabbing battle. His comebacks were quicker than mine. I had a problem thinking up witty remarks that didn't have a way of also being self-depriving, while Rick, on the other hand, was the Jedi master of sarcasm.

"I'm kidding. Breathe, Bruce. It's fine with me if you two were to hit it off. It might do you some good, and lord knows she needs to get laid too."

My jaw nearly dropped at that admission. _Damn it! _Rick did it again and I was the one left struggling to come up with something to say and couldn't. I wanted to bow out, throw in the preverbal towel, and take my ass kicking. And I did because all I could manage after that was a shake of my head as I closed my eyes, trying to ease the uncomfortable and depressing feeling that engulfed my body.

It was depressing because I was actually considering doing it for the same exact reason he just whooped my ass. I wanted, and needed, to have sex and self-satisfaction didn't count. I was longing for the company of someone. I had only hoped that my next someone was going to be of the same sex.

"Just think about it, please? She's arriving tomorrow."

Tomorrow was Saturday and it would be nice to actually enjoy a weekend that didn't involve work. I felt the sigh escape my tight throat and looked hard into his anticipating eyes. Damn it to hell. "I'll think about it," that was as good as a 'yes' coming from me and Rick knew it. I went to turn but suddenly held back and confirmed, "It's only for this one week?"

Rick smiled wide and nodded. "Thank you."

_Yeah, yeah, yeah. _Giving him a half-hearted wave, I felt my chest tighten at that spark in his eyes. Turning away from that look, I continued toward the street.

"I can give you a lift," Rick called out. I threw up my hand in a wave again as I kept walking.

The thought of getting a lift from Rick had been contemplated for a second and that was when he informed me again about his childhood friend coming into town. Yeah, right. I immediately abandoned the idea because being stuck in a car with him as he went on-and-on about Rachael for twenty minutes-depending on traffic-was not my idea of winding down after a long day. The only reason we usually rode together after work was if I wanted to go over ideas or theories for our projects. Tonight I just wanted to walk, to think while I walked, and to have a couple of drinks once I got tired of both thinking and walking.

Before I realized it the tall buildings that consisted of the campus were gone replaced with the neighboring businesses, frat houses, and four-story apartment buildings that made up the small Virginia college town. I rounded the corner and started down the street that all the students referred to as 'The Village', passing bars, restaurants, and various coffee shops. As I made my way down the sidewalk, I thought I heard someone coming up behind. Turning to look, no one was there. Shaking off the feeling that I was being followed, I continued to the next stop light. In the distance were the greyish green ridges of the mountains that surrounded the area and I stared at them until the light turned. As soon as I stepped off the curb, I spotted a Campus Security Officer I knew and gave him a slight head nod in acknowledgement.

Nothing ever came from that except him doing it right back, confirming that he saw me and we recognized each other. As I contemplated why that gesture had become such an acceptable greeting while pulling out my wallet to get out some cash for the bus, I heard it. Someone was definitely coming up behind me. Glancing over my shoulder, I nearly froze at the sight of the man that was standing there.

I immediately recognized him because he'd been taking the same bus as me for the last two weeks. A blush heated my face as I turned away. For those two weeks he'd been my secret voyeuristic stalking victim. I wasn't actually stalking him or anything, just watching him on the bus. He was younger than me but about Rick's height with black wavy hair, piercing blue eyes, and cheekbones that looked like they'd been perfectly crafted by God. It was hard not to be fascinated.

As I took out my glasses to see the bills clearer, I glanced back over at him and saw him smiling...at me, and I was so surprised by it that I fumbled with my glasses and dropped them. At hearing him chuckling at my clumsiness, the heat of embarrassment crept up my neck.

_So much for first impressions, Banner._ Ducking my head, I bent down to retrieve my glasses like an idiot.

"Nice job, Professor."

I froze. How did he know I was a Professor? The suspicion I felt spiked until he pointed toward my chest. Looking down, I saw my ID badge clipped to my breast pocket. "You're very observant."

He smiled more at the compliment before extending his hand, "Sebastian Shaw."

"Bruce Banner."

His hand was soft and warm, and I held it for a moment longer than normal as I tried for a warm friendly smile. The light in his blue eyes sparkled a little and I was floored. My heart gave a thump then paused as I caught my breath. Okay, I'm being overly dramatic, but he had me. It was beautiful. He was fucking beautiful.

After we shook hands I didn't know what I should do. He seemed open to conversation as he kept smiling while looking me over then around the street.

"Sebastian...In Catholicism, the name Sebastian refers to the patron Saint. He's the protector of potential plague victims and soldiers. And he was among the most frequently depicted of all saints by Late Gothic and Renaissance artists in the period after the, uh...Black Death." Oh, God. I had to close my eyes and kick myself. Who opened with that?

Sebastian had that look and I realized that I might have put him off because I was really, really bad at this. It wouldn't have been the first time that I scared someone away. Then, just as I thought he was going to jump ship, a small teasing smile formed on his face, lighting it up as he said, "And made martyr when he was tied to a tree and shot with arrows."

I smiled and laughed a little. I was officially sold to this man standing before me. He wasn't only beautiful, but smart too. "Your accent, it's East Coast...Philly?"

Surprised, Sebastian informed me with a wary look, "Close, Pittsburgh. That's impressive."

I had a feeling he would soon find out I wasn't like most people. Glancing down the street and only seeing a few cars coming, I turned back to him, saying, "I guess I have an ear for dialect. So I take it this is your first year here at Culver?"

"Yeah, I moved here a couple of weeks ago for Grad school. How'd you know?"

"I've only been seeing you around here for that long." Realizing how that sounded, I quickly added, "I-I mean, that, I, uh, I usually notice the regular occupants of the bus. I notice new people. You always look in a hurry." After that weird, stammered, explanation I was expecting him to run, or at least not talk to me anymore.

Sebastian was smiling as a sparkle of amusement filled his eyes. "It's hard not to be in a hurry when all you want to do is get out of here." Lowering his voice, and looking slightly embarrassed himself, he told me, "I've noticed you too."

That nearly took my breath away. He noticed me. I wondered if he hoped to see me standing here every night like I hoped to see him. God, the more I realized how much I was infatuated by Sebastian the more pathetic I sounded, even to myself. I felt like a creep. A perverted creep, but I couldn't stop myself. I felt myself wanting him more than I'd ever wanted anybody in my entire life. I had to get ahold of myself but couldn't. I mean, what if he rejected me after all this? What if he wasn't even interested in men?

"So, are you headed home?" he asked, breaking through my thoughts, as we stood facing each other. A few people walked by every so often but not a whole lot to distract us from one another.

Shrugging out my awkwardness, I told him, "I don't know. I tend to veer off course from time to time on the way to my house. I usually get a drink or something to eat."

That came off kind of strong, didn't it? I didn't want to sound like I was trying to pick him up, even though having a drink with him was exactly what I wanted. The uncertainty was making me feel like an insecure idiot, but he seemed not to care because he was smiling again. It was nice, sweet, and a little shy. I liked that.

He was suddenly nervous. The more I watched him, the more he kept glancing away every time I tried to hold eye contact for more than a few seconds. _Was_ I coming on too strong? Or was he just really a shy guy? A man that got embarrassed by liking the fact that a man was trying to pick him up at a bus stop. At the moment, I didn't care. His shyness was one of the reasons I liked him so damn much.

"I didn't mean," I felt my hands gesturing as I struggled with what to say. "I'm not..."

Sebastian took pity as he suddenly asked, "What'd you teach?"

Thankful for the interruption, I breathed out as I explained, "I'm a Nuclear Physicist, but right now I'm teaching Molecular and Cellular Biology and Research-"

"Shut the front door, no fucking way," Sebastian said as he really started to smile. "Damn, you don't look like a science geek."

"Thanks, I guess," I said as I looked at the glasses still in my hand. Putting them on, I finally fingered through the money in my wallet and took out a few dollars for the bus. Returning my wallet to my back pocket, I asked, "What about you? What're you going to Grad school for?"

"Engineering; following in my dad's footsteps."

"What kind?" When I received only a blank look, I specified. "Chemical, civil, industrial...nuclear?"

"Mechanical. I know it's not as glamorous as being a professor, but to pay the bills I do drafting...engineering drawing," he explained like I didn't know what that was, "and I work part time at the local car shop on weekends."

I looked him over as I said, "There's nothing glamorous about being a college professor. And the reason I'm taking the bus is because I have four flat tires I've yet to replace. Says a lot about this science geek, huh?"

Sebastian looked at me then and he seemed relieved as he teased him, "Good thing you're hitting on a mechanic. Tires are easy, maybe I can give you a hand with it some time."

We stared at each other for a long moment and then looked away, asking, "Why Culver and not M.I.T?"

He shook his head in amusement as he said, "Why not Culver? It's pretty elite in the fields of Science and Technology. Third rated university in the country for Mechanical Engineering."

His attention was drawn over my shoulder, causing me to follow his eyes. The bus was coming. It suddenly came to a screeching stop in front of us and he motioned for me to get on first before following behind. I took a seat near the doors and he hesitated for a moment, looking around the mostly empty bus.

I could feel the heat on my cheeks as he leaned down a little, asking, "Would it be okay if…" he pointed to the seat next me, finishing off his abbreviated question.

I'm sure I looked stunned at first before clearing my throat. Those baby blue's stirred my gut as I said, "Uh, yeah," while I moved over a little in the seat.

Smiling a little, Sebastian sat beside me and leaned on his knees so we could look at each other almost straight on. Then he smiled again and I was lost.

Fear and loathing be damned. This man was everything I've been waiting on for a long time. Smart, beautiful, and willing. Usually, I wasn't interested in getting with anyone younger than me for fear of abandonment. However, after my two month long stalker-ish fascination with Sebastian there wasn't anything that could keep me from wanting to get lost in those eyes, in that man, even if it ended up being for the night.

* * *

><p><span><em>Bruce's House<em>

_Ring! Ring! Ring!_

That sounded like my phone, and it was getting louder, more urgent. _Shit, what time's it? _Groaning into the pillow, I rolled onto my back and searched blindly on the nightstand for the phone. "Yeah," I answered while clearing my throat from the strained dryness that coated it.

"We're needed at the lab," Rick sounded groggily on the other end. He was just waking up as well. "Selvig wants to get an early start. Need me to pick you up?"

Yes, because my car was still sitting in the driveway eroding with rust. My eyes itched and I wanted to rub at them along with my aching head but my left arm was being weighed down by the naked man who lightly stirred against my side. Sebastian was waking and it was getting harder to concentrate as his hand rubbed along the hair on my chest. Hum, God, his touch was making me twitch alive.

"When you'd, um...I mean, when do you think that, that you're gonna be here?" I asked as I felt his hand trail further south and disappear under the sheet.

"Give me an hour."

My breath hitched and I had to place the phone against my chest. He was trying to kill me. Putting the phone back to my ear, I heard, _"Hey, baby, you gotta leave?"_ At hearing Rick's girlfriend's voice over the line I felt the spark of jealously tighten my chest right before Sebastian's warm breath tickled my ear as he whispered that he wanted to taste me. "O-oh, okay," I answered both men right before Sebastian's mouth replace his teasing fingers.

The wet mouth that engulfed me had me bucking off the bed as I quickly ended the call while groaning embarrassing loud into the room. It took everything I had to not come as I took hold of his head to stop him. "Ungh, Sebastian, st-stop, stop, c'mere," I told him as I drew his mouth up to my face.

I was too close and I wanted to be in him. Taking him in my arms, I rolled us, getting him on his back and kissed him deeply. Driving my tongue into his moist hot mouth, I tasted a little of myself. I settled between his spreading legs while opening the nightstand drawer to take out a condom. Safe sex was always better than no sex, no matter how much I hated wearing the damn things.

I barely had enough time to shower, dress, and get a cup of coffee into my tired, sore, and amazingly satisfied body before Rick called to inform me that he was stopping at the bakery a few blocks away.

"Want me to pick you up anything?"

"Coffee and whatever you usually get would be fine. Thanks."

"Okay, be there in a few minutes."

After hanging up the phone, I hurried into the living room and caught Sebastian by the arm as he was going for the front door. Apologizing, I told him, "Sorry you have to leave so soon."

Kissing my lips, Sebastian smiled before telling me, "It's okay. I have to get home anyway."

With seeing the sincerity in his eyes, I felt relieved before I kissed him back. No amount of will could stop me. Now that I had him, I wanted more. I didn't want him to leave.

He had been amazing last night, and I'm not just talking about the sex. Sebastian was funny and extremely intelligent. His father was an German engineer and his mother an American scientist; they'd met in Amsterdam and that was where Sebastian had been born. He'd lived in various countries, traveling around the world with his parents before his father died. His mother then moved back to Pittsburgh when Sebastian was twelve. He'd been mostly home schooled, had very few friends, and devoted most of his time to his studies. So far, we had a little more than a few things in common.

It was usually hard for a man like me to find someone to talk to because of my diverse wealth of knowledge and tendency to express that wealth. I could talk about the simple things: music, movies, sports, whatever, but after awhile my mind would get bored quickly with the tedious mundane things.

Usually, when I started in on talking about theories of physics or biochemistry or just random bullshit that I knew, that was when I started to lose a lot of people. The conversations I enjoyed the most were the ones that ran deep. And I could go deep and I could get very argumentative about my thoughts and beliefs and that was also when most people would ask me, some not too politely, to back off or calm down. The thing that pissed me off the most was when I was told that I think too much. Me being the stubborn guy I was, I always snapped back that they didn't think enough.

Some women I've been with even had the gull to tell me that I was too intelligent for them to be with and they couldn't talk to me. They didn't know how to talk to me. Or they wouldn't have their own opinion and try to please me by agreeing with mine. It really upset me. And I think a reason for it being a problem was because women who acted like that always reminded me of my mother. How she would cower to my father and mute herself. I couldn't be with a woman who wanted a man to be her sole influencer. I truly believed that a woman who relied on a man for everything ended up abused and not caring. It was probably highly irrational on my part, but I couldn't stop how I felt or thought. I couldn't be with a woman like that, no matter how empathic I was toward them.

That wasn't the kind of man I was. It didn't matter if I was gay or not, I didn't want to be that guy.

Anyway, back to women in general…Or at least the women I've tried to date. It wasn't like I never helped them along in leaving me. I mean, I was horrible at relating to people, at expressing my own emotions. And the fact that I wanted to secretly be with a man didn't help. When things started to get too intimate on an emotional level I would retreat back into my mind and say something that was so stupid or analytical that they either hit me or walked out. I actually do have my share of scars to prove it.

Then there were the women who wanted to get married, have kids, and change me. It wasn't the fact I didn't want all those things, I just didn't want my partner to be a woman. But gay marriage wasn't legal and unfortunately I hadn't figured out how men could ever get pregnant. Therefore, I couldn't be with a woman who was seeking a man for all those things. She would actually think I wanted to get married. Then when I didn't and left, well…the last time I made that mistake she keyed my car and flattened my tires.

There was no denying it. I had it coming.

For me to finally, after many long years of torment and shame, to admit that I was gay and wanted to actually have a relationship with a man was the best day of my life. Believe me when I say that Sebastian was a welcomed relief. I finally thought that I could be with someone and actually be happy for a change.

I was greatly surprised and excited that he was so easy to just be with. That he got me on an intellectual level that few ever had. He could speak five different languages and I absolutely loved it that I could sweet-talk him in German or Italian and he knew what was said without having to explain. We had talked for hours last night on the back steps of my house as we drank a bottle of wine.

I had told him about my nine year 'no drinking ban' and how my lack of sleep led to the impulse to buy the bottle. Just like Rick had done the day before, Sebastian informed me that the drinking would only make the insomnia worse, but he could help with that if I wanted. I still got hard at the memory. That statement and the lustful look in his deeply dark blue eyes had quickly led us back to my bed and to the best sex I've had, ever.

Despite the fact that I'd never been with a man before it all came so easy and felt so right. Before it was all over I had tears in my eyes because for the first time it wasn't just a physical act of sex. I actually felt loved while making love. At thirty-four years of age, I had felt like I was no longer a virgin. It was wonderful. Hallelujah.

At the front door we kissed until I heard the familiar honking of Rick's car outside. I didn't want to stop kissing Sebastian or break away from his intoxicating scent. "I gotta go."

"Don't sound too heartbroken," he said with a soft smile. "Dinner tonight?"

Sebastian had written down his number on one of the pieces of paper hanging on my refrigerator and we had made plans to meet for a late dinner. I couldn't wait. "I'll call if anything happens. And again, I'm sorry for being called into the lab this early."

"You're a scientist, it happens. Now go have fun blowing shit up."

Chuckling, I kissed him one last time before letting go. "You're incredible."

"I know," he said with a smirk as he opened my front door.

I followed him out the door and down the steps before we had to break off. He headed off across the street in the direction of the bus stop one block over as I headed toward the awaiting car.

Rick was on the phone when I got in. He glanced over at me then returned his attention to the caller. His head was in his hand and he was staring down at the steering wheel. Giving him some privacy, I rested my head against the window and closed my eyes; silently hoping that he hadn't noticed the man walking out with me. The car started to move moments later and we were on our way.

"So," Rick finally spoke after a long few moments of silence. "Are we still on for tonight?"

"Oh…" I breathed out softly. I forgot. And I had made plans with Sebastian. Inwardly I kicked my ass again as I spotted the cup of coffee. Distracting myself, and giving me time to figure out what I was going to do, I took a sip and swallowed before asking, "What time is this dinner?"

Rick glared over at me in irritation. "Don't even try it. It's not going to work."

That glare and flash of anger I saw in them surprised me. Maybe he did see Sebastian and was trying to not let it show. "Try what?"

"Ditching me."

Shaking my head, I told Rick, "I'm not trying to ditch you. It's just…" It was reasonable to assume that he had seen us together so I fell on the sword and said, "I made plans with someone else. I didn't mean to, but things happened last night and I completely forgot about you and your friend...Rachael. We can still have dinner and I can still keep her company, but I can't be out all night."

"I can't believe you!" He glanced over at me as he continued to drive remarkably well despite his anger. "Who?"

"Uh..." I realized he hadn't seen us or he didn't make the connection, so I vaguely said, "someone."

"Someone?" Rick said in disbelief as he shook his head. Then, suddenly, he started to laugh. "You're so clueless sometimes, Bruce, I can't believe it. Even knowing that tonight you're having dinner with my friend, you just couldn't..." Shaking his head again, he said, "No wonder you looked like the cat that ate the canary."

_I ate it all right, and I'm craving so much more. _My hunger was fueled by that man. "Well, like you said, your friend is going home in a week and I have no idea if she'll like me let alone want to spend the rest of the week with me."

"What if she does like you? What if she wants to screw your brains out?"

I didn't know if it was good for me or not that he sounded confident in the fact that his friend might very well want to have her wicked way with me in the bedroom. Five months of a horrible dry spell and now this? What piped piper had I paid off? Then I thought "Gay", and quickly shuddered. "I'm not promising anything, all right. I only met this person last night. That hardly constitutes as something…" _Go ahead and admit it. It did mean something and now I'm terrified of what it is and what it means because right now I actually think I might be falling in love. _"Meaningful, substantial-"

"Person" Rick interrupted. "Why aren't we using names?" He looked over at me and said, "Is this person a student?"

"Grad student and not even close to being one of mine."

"Graduate, okay. At least she's not like eighteen and still having daddy issues. Are you thinking about having sex with both of them?"

Feeling like I had to get back at him for yesterday, I said in all seriousness, "Not at the same time."

Without missing a beat, Rick said, "That's it? I've had snappier comebacks from a bowl of Rice Krispies. Besides, you're too much of an uptight, boy scout, to try it with two women. I never would. I'm a one woman type of guy."

After thinking about this hours afterwards, I realized that my own jealousy toward Rick and his girlfriend was what really set me off. "Don't give me that 'holier than thou' act Rick because we both know that if you were in the same situation I'm in, one of which being Madonna, and yes I know about your secret celebrity crush, you'll have no problem being with both. Maybe not sleeping with both, but you wouldn't pass up dinner invitations."

Rick stared straight ahead but I could see that I had gotten to him. Call it payback for yesterday when he left me standing stunned into disbelief like a fool, but I felt a great deal of satisfaction seeing that blush heat his neck.

"Okay, first," Rick said matter-of-fact, "Madonna is hot. And secondly, who pissed in your Cheerios? Seriously, if I wanted to be riding in the car with a bitch I would've got a dog."

Damn it, I had no comeback for that. Nothing. I stared over at him in disbelief as he kept driving. He knew I wasn't trying to start anything. He knew that I would be my ol' respectful self and that I wouldn't lead his friend on or take advantage. And I would be the one saying 'no' because I really was over women. I was over thinking I had to be with someone of the opposite sex to have a satisfactory relationship. To be normal. I didn't care about being normal, I cared about being myself and I wanted to stop hiding.

Whether Rick would still be my best friend or not after he found out or not was yet to be seen. He never really talked about his thoughts on gay men. It wasn't exactly something that usually came up between two male friends. Or at least, not with us.

With seeing the glint in Rick's eyes and the smirk pulling at his lips, I knew that he wasn't really mad at me; he was just probably worried about his friend.

And I still haven't thought of something witty to get him back. "Okay," I told him as we crossed the bridge and passed the sign welcoming us to Culver University campus. " You win. If it makes you feel any better, I just won't come tonight."

"No, you don't! You're still coming whether you screw this first date up or not; which you probably will because right now you're making the guys on Jackass look like Einstein."

"And you're being a dork."

"No I'm not."

"You know what a dork is," I said as we arrived on campus. "It's a whale's dick, which means you're being the biggest dick in the world right now."

Rick went slacked jaw as he stared straight ahead in defeat. "I'm speechless. I have nothing."

"Yes!" I exclaimed as I hit the roof of the car with my fist in victory.

And just like that, the subject was dropped and we were back to normal; well, as normal as the two of us could be together.

* * *

><p><span><em>Research Lab<em>

_Culver University_

"Ground control to Major Tom..." That was Rick's voice. "Come on, Bruce, wake up."

Forcing my eyes open, I winced in pain at the brightness and moaned. Everything looked fuzzy and for some reason I was on my back staring up at the ceiling. There was a pain in my head and chest and I had no memory of what the hell happened.

Rick was staring down at me in worry, waving his hand in front of my face, as he repeated, "Ground control to Major Tom..."

Groaning, I responded with the corresponding song lyric, "Commencing countdown, engines on."

Rick sighed in relief as he said, "Thank God you're alive." He offered a hand to help me up. "Now I don't have to worry about finding someone else to put up with my love of David Bowie."

My stomach swirled as the room spun so I waved off the offered help up. There was a burning in my chest and when I turned my head I saw the destroyed glass class where Selvig's experiment had once been. I guess that was the cause for the pain.

Selvig was on the other side of the room pouring over his notes as he said, "Well, that didn't work."

I looked to Rick who shrugged at Selvig's behavior as I asked, "What happened?"

"It went boom."

Breathing out, I stayed lying on the floor as I rubbed at my head and chest; it felt like it was on fire.

"The stabilizing agent wasn't strong enough," Selvig announced as he got up from the desk he was sitting at and scanned over the shattered glasses and bent metal. "It shouldn't have done that. Even if we successfully recreated a black hole, energy and particles are supposed to be sucked in, collapse on itself, not explode."

"It's not the stabilizing agent," I announced from the floor as I continued to stare at the ceiling while my brain raced over the numbers and figures. It wasn't the stabilizing agent. It was the radiation we were trying to use to recreate the black hole. "Unless we can simulate a radiation close enough to Hawkins Radiation...What about gamma?"

Rick groaned and rubbed a hand over his face in annoyance. "Not this again. Bruce, enough with your idea that gamma radiation-"

Leaning up on my elbows, I told him, "When the core of a massive star collapses it ejects a jet of gas into space at nearly the speed of light, right? Particles at light speed colliding causes black holes. Collisions between the fast-moving gas and its surroundings, as well as within the jet itself, create gamma rays." Getting to my feet, I stumbled over to the computer and quickly typed in the equation. "A star collapsing in on itself to produce an explosion of gamma radiation should be about the same that's created when two particles collide." Looking over at Selvig, I said, "If you want to prove your theory that when a particle gets taken in by a black hole that it doesn't disappear into non-existence but instead makes a copy, like a copy machine, I suggest we run two experiments at the same time."

"Two," Rick nearly yelped from across the room. "You're not suggesting what I think you are, are you?"

"I'll recreate a star collapsing, sending out the jet of gamma rays toward the two particles colliding. The combination-"

"Could kill us," Rick yelled.

I turned to him in disbelief. "Stop being melodramatic, Rick. It's not going to kill us."

Rick stared wide-eyed at me as he said, "Have you ever heard of the Big Bang?"

"No, I think he's right," Selvig said as he rounded the table to look at the computer screen. "This is genius."

"This is highly illogical, dangerous, and downright insane," Rick said as he came up beside me then bent down to examine the simulation I started with my new equations. Straightening, he asked, "When do we start?"

* * *

><p>After a long day of work that included successfully, for nearly thirty seconds, recreating a miniature black hole with the great Astrophysicist Dr. Erik Selvig, I needed a quiet relaxing night at home and not a stifling loud night out with Rick, his girlfriend, and the friend.<p>

If I hadn't promised him that I would accompany them for dinner, I would've still been working Selvig's project to figure out how to stabilize the black hole for a good minute or two. I would hear it all the time from colleagues to never take the work home, but it wasn't like I had a family to worry about ignoring. There was no one to neglect with my endless pursuit of growth and development in the field of gamma radiation. That was my passion; and to find out today that I could use it successfully was a huge development. Hopefully this meant I was one step closer to possibly getting my grant for my nearly life-long passion project of predicting the spontaneous formation of gamma particles in a vacuum.

After dinner at a four-star restaurant, two slow dances, and three glasses of wine, I was itching to leave. Rachael was nice enough and beautiful enough but I couldn't get Sebastian off my mind. When a conversation between us strayed from being about a movie she had just seen to a deeper conversation about the accepts of science which the movie centered around, I lost her. I saw it the moment she became confused and changed the subject.

"Rick told me that you're a genius."

"Rick thinks everyone with a Ph. D. is a genius," I said off-handly as I looked over at Rick.

He pointed to me and said, "Multipule. You have more than one of those bad boys stuffed in a drawer somewhere. Don't mind him, he's modest," Rick told Rachael as he smiled with pride.

Rachael looked like she was puzzling over something before asking, "So did you graduate high school at like twelve or something?"

Looking over at her, I shook my head. "No, I graduated on time with everyone else."

"What Bruce is really trying to say is that he didn't want to intimidate all the eighteen year old college students by being better than them at age twelve," Rick reached over and patted him on the shoulder like it was the truth and he was helping him out by explaining better.

If Rick only knew the real reasons why I didn't skip ahead in school. It wasn't just the fact that I hid my intelligence and never applied myself beyond just doing the work that was needed to satisfy the curriculum, or that I was stuffed into my locker and sat alone at lunch every day, or that I was a cronic skipper due to the fact that some days I just didn't want to go through the hellish nightmare that was my school days. It was the fact that I had been expelled for an entire school year and had to have counselling sessions because I had purposely built a bomb and planted it in the school.

I didn't do it so I could blow the school up, but to vailidate the fact that I could, for one, build it, and two, that I finally had leverage. In a place where I had felt like I had no control over the safety of my own life, in that moment of knowing the bomb was there and what it could do, I had for the first time felt safe while I walked the hallways of the high school. And that if I was pushed into a locker one more God damn time, I could hit a switch and just take it out. End it all.

But then, I did know how crazy that was. That was the reason why I never activated it and why I didn't even carry the triggering device on me but instead left it in my bedroom. Deep down I knew I wasn't a murderer, I just wanted the security it provided. I wanted to not be afraid anymore. I've been told on many occassions by several therapists that I had anger issues; that I was highly passive-aggressive, and that incident was the beginning of it boiling over into an manifestation of that anger.

Those were dark thoughts that I hadn't thought about, and didn't want to think about. It was over, done with, and I was very lucky I didn't end up committed or in prison. My record had been expunged with I turned eighteen. What also helped was that since that incident, I started going exclusively by my middle name. Everything I did from then on out had the name Bruce Banner attached to it instead of Robert. Robert Banner brought up past instances of news paper clippings and juvenile records that I wished would just disappear.

And don't think I hadn't thought of a way to hack into the mainframe of every computer system in the world to rid it of my past, because I had. It would've been too easy, actually.

"And you and Rick's been friends how long?"

"Five years," we both said in unison. Glancing over to Rick, I saw his cheeky smile as he turned to Rachael.

"We met during my senior year as an undergrad at Caltech. Bruce was finishing up one of his Master degrees at that point. It was in a bar off campus and I challenaged him, rather drunkenly and stupidly, to a game of pool. He kicked my ass while explaining to me that pool is all about geometry and phyics. By the end of the night, we won a few wagers against the locals." Then he quickly added, "For which we were nearly arrested for getting into a bar fight because they thought we were hustlers."

"I still can't believe you became a scientist," Rachael said with a laugh. "In high school Rick had this long hair modeled after Steven Tyler and wore ripped jeans and this red leather jacket straight out of _Rebel Without a Cause_. His band, The Bleeding Scardales, played heavy metal and punk rock. God, Rick, forever you wanted to be a rockstar."

"I am a rockstar, babe," Rick said. "Just a different kind. Long hair's out and science is in. Everyone wants to be a science geek nowadays. I personally blame _C.S.I. _and _House_. Everyone fucking loves those shows. Ain't that right, Bruce?"

I looked up from the table I'd been staring at the entire time and asked innocently, "What?"

"Oh, that's right, you don't watch television," Rick said with a teasing smirk.

"I watch tv," I shot back.

"Let me rephrase then. You don't watch tv shows that are made specifically for entertainment purposes. If it's not strictly the news, or educational, or on Discovery Channel, you're not watching it. No, wait, you do like those cooking shows. Secretly, Doctor Banner here wishes he could cook."

With all eyes on me suddenly, and amused smiles, I felt I had to defend myself for some reason by saying, "There's a lot of science that goes into cooking the perfect dish. Correlation between temperature and time, how each ingredient reacts to another-"

"It's cooking, Bruce, not a science experiment."

"All cooking is is a science experiment," I said as I returned my eyes back to the table.

I wanted to leave.

I wanted to toss the napkin down, say goodbye, and excuse myself. Call Sebastian up and meet up somewhere. I was now completely uninterested in what was going on around the table. My mind was all over the place. At that point it seemed like I was only sticking around so not to bail on Rick.

Holly and Rachael had other plans. Holly was Rick's girlfriend; they'd met a month ago at the campus library. She was the new Linguistics professor. Anyway, her and Rachael thought it'd be a great idea to drag us to a nightclub that was pounding with bass music. The pounding in my head got worse. With feeling the heat creep up my neck, I tried to rub the tension in my muscles away and hoped I wasn't getting sick. That was the last thing I needed.

Looking over to Rick, he was amused as he leaned over and whispered something in Holly's ear. My jealously spurred as my jaw clenched tight at the sight of them together. With that jealousy strangling my heart, I pushed my chair back and left. I've had enough of this double date.

The moment I left the table I was swallowed up in the mass of moving bodies as I made my way toward the door. The alternative rock song thumped against the walls and floors causing them to vibrate along with my head. With the amount of anxious energy rushing through my body, I was dangerously close to losing it.

Stumbling out of the door and into the humid summer air, I sucked in a deep breath and closed my eyes. That felt better. I felt better. I could breathe again. That was until I heard Rick.

"Bruce, what the hell!?"

I couldn't do this now. Shaking my head, I went to walk away when he grabbed me. At feeling his hand tighten on my shoulder, I tensed as my anxious energy turned to anger. _Scrawny, weak, pathetic, Banner! Everyone hates you, everyone leaves you, and everyone, including Rick, will hurt you!_ My vision blurred with red as I dropped my shoulder, turned, and shoved him hard in the chest to back away.

Rick stood stunned for a long moment as he stared back in shock. "Did you just push me?"

Staring right back, my hands balled and jaw tensed for a fraction of a second before I realized what had happened. My body shook as I relaxed and apologized, "Sorry. I didn't...You scared me when you grabbed me."

"I know the feeling," he said as he lifted a hand to rub his chest. "Why're you leaving? I thought you cancelled with..."someone"."

I couldn't explain this now. Rick was my best friend and I still wasn't sure how'd he react; so, I lied. "I'm not feeling well."

His eyes narrowed as he took a step closer and said, "You do look like shit. Then again, you were blown up today." The smile was soft and easy, causing me to smile back. "That's not it though. I can tell when you're lying."

"No you can't."

"Yea-huh. You have the worst poker face in the world. Why'd you think I always win at cards."

"Because I let you."

Rick smiled again but he was being serious. "What's really going on? During dinner you barely talked to Rachael. Is this about that "someone"," he said again. "I thought it wasn't serious."

"It's not." That hurt. That hurt a lot. Sebastian was the best thing to ever happen to me. Shaking my head again, I gestured to the club and said, "Can you really see me dancing?"

He laughed and said, "Only after a few more drinks. Hell, after a few more drinks I might actually start to think you're not a bad dancer, or ugly for that matter." Rick was trying to put me at ease, make me laugh, but I was too tired and too scared to be amused. My change in mood must have been obvious enough for him to suddenly get serious. He got closer to me and said, "C'mon, Bruce, we're best friends. Whatever you've got to tell me, I'll be okay with it."

Okay, this was it. If we were going to have it out, now was it. My stomach twisted as I looked to the ground and closed my eyes. _Please don't hate me, Rick. Please, please, please..._Taking a deep breath I just let it out. Simple, easy..."I'm gay."

Rick blinked back, tilted his head back, looked me over, and then said, "Say again?"

"I'm gay, Rick. The person I'm meeting later tonight...his name's Sebastian. He's a guy."

"Oh..." Rick said softly before looking away in thought. "Huh. That actually makes a hell of a lot of sense."

"Rick, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner and if you don't...I'd hate to lose your friendship, but if-"

"Bruce, shut up," Rick snapped as he stepped right up into my personal space. Staring down into my eyes, he said, "If he ever hurts you in anyway or even thinks about hurting you, you better let me know."

Stunned, all I could get out was, "What will you do if he does?"

"Blow up his car...with him in it," Rick said matter of fact.

Shaking my head slightly, I still stared at him a little confused. "So...so you're not going to hit me?" I asked in relief. God, I was so relieved I felt like falling over.

Rick stared at me like I'd lost his mind. "You're my best friend; I don't hit my friends. You love whoever you love, and I'll be by your side cheering you on. Although, I'm not looking forward to going to any Gay Pride parades."

"That makes two of us," I told him as he clasped his hand on my shoulder; this time it wasn't out of anger. The hand help to ground me a little and I couldn't help the shy smile. Rick didn't hate me. He wasn't going to hurt me.

Giving me a shake and smile, he said, "I don't know how I'm going to break this to Rachael."

"Just introduce her to some hot drunken idiot. She'll forget about me in no time."

Rick smiled and slapped me on the shoulder. "Good thinking, my friend." Then the smile faded as he gave a nod.

"Hey, Rick...Rick...Hey, Doctor Jones!" Holly called out from the door to the nightclub.

He turned to her and held up a finger. "Give us a minute," he yelled back. Turning back, he said, "So...gay, huh?"

Smiling slightly, I teasingly said, "No one asked for your life story, Rick."

Rick went blank for a moment then laughed. "Screw you," he said as he gave me a little shove down the sidewalk.

"No thanks," I shot back. "I don't want to catch anything."

"Get the hell out of here," he said with a laugh. "I mean it, leave! Go be an ass to your new boyfriend."

I had no comeback for that one, but then again I didn't want one. Giving a wave, I headed down the street as Rick went back into the nightclub with Holly. Halfway up the block I had my cell phone out and up to my ear as I called Sebastian.

* * *

><p><span><em>Sebastian's Apartment<em>

Sebastian didn't live too far from my house as it turned out. The building was only a short five minute bus ride pass my stop. It was up two more blocks and in a brick building next to a car shop. On the other side of the street was a motel, gas station, and further down was a shopping center.

I had to press a buzzer to his apartment and wait for him to let me into the building.

"Yeah?" Sebastian's voice cracked through the speaker.

"It's me...Bruce."

The door buzzed and unlocked. Taking the steps two at a time I got up to the third floor and saw him waiting for me. He was leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest with a deep frown on his face.

"What?" I asked as I looked around, thinking that he couldn't possibly have that look for me. Not when I just out-ed myself to my best friend. This couldn't be the end of us already.

"You broke our date. I thought...Nevermind," he said as he shook his head. "What'd you have to do tonight?"

He sounded pissed and maybe even a little afraid. I didn't want to start this off with a lie so I came right out with it. "I had to accompany my best friend and his girlfriend on a double date."

Sebastian's frown deepened as he said, "Double? You had another date?"

"Yes, with a woman. It ended horribly," I assured him; or at least tried. I wasn't good at that either.

"How?" he asked, still stunned.

"All I could think about was you...so, I left. Rick cornered me outside and...and I came out to him. He didn't hit me so I think we're still friends." As we continued to stare at each other, all I kept thinking about was all my past relationships. How desasterous they had been and how I could never apologize right or ever do anything correctly to keep them from leaving. I was either doing too much or not enough. I was so bad at this it was embarrassing.

Sebastian still had a weird look on his face but at least he was smiling. "Wow. That's honest."

I let out a breath at that smile. "I've been told it's the best policy," I said and hoped to whatever God there was that he wouldn't suddenly turn around and slam the door in my face.

Instead, he stepped closer to me and leaned down, placing a kiss on my lips. "Thank you for not lying."

"Thanks for not kicking me out."

He smiled and shrugged, saying, "Sounds like you had a rough night. I didn't want to make it worse. C'mon," he said as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me into his apartment. "I'll give you the five cent tour." He shut the door with a back kick as he pointed around the apartment. "Living room, dining area, kitchen, bathroom and bedroom are down that hallway, and I have to use the laundromat down the street to clean my clothes."

"It's...comfy."

"Yea, that's about all it is," Sebastian said as he turned back to face me. Looking me over again, he said, "What's with the jacket?"

"What's wrong with it?" I asked as I looked down in confusion.

"Nothing, unless you like going around looking like Mister Rogers Neighborhood-"

"It's my favorite."

"It's tweed-"

"So?"

"...take this off," he said as he took my jacket off. He smiled and I laughed and shook my head. I really did like that jacket. "Beer? Wine?" he asked as he tossed the jacket onto the couch. Then he unbuttoned my top button on my shirt and undid the tie.

"A beer would be nice, thanks," I said as I continued to let him take my clothes off. He stopped at the tie as he tossed it onto the jacket then he kissed me before going into the kitchen.

While he got us something to drink, I continued to explore the apartment. There wasn't much to the small apartment. There were band posters on the walls along with black and white portraits of the city of Pittsburgh along with the professional baseball team the Pittsburgh Pirates. Books lined shelves and were stacked on various tables. There were drafting blueprints for car designs as well as engines and, surprisingly, jets and airplanes scattered over the two person dining table by the entrance to the kitchen.

Sebastian appeared next to him and offered him a bottle. "My projects."

"These are all your designs?"

"I'm hoping one day to be CEO of my own company, like Stark Industries except with less weapons."

Looking over at him, I asked, "What would you call it?"

Giving a shrug, Sebastian said, "I don't know...Shaw Industries." He smiled and I couldn't help but smile back.

Half an hour later we were sitting on the floor pouring over his impressive vinyl collection while sipping on his last bottle of beer; we didn't bother splitting it up between two glasses as we passed it back and forth; along with the joint he rolled.

"You smoke?" he had asked me.

Shrugging, I said, "What the hell, I did survive being blown up today."

"You got blown up?" he asked in concern as he took a drag then passed it over.

Smiling slightly, I told him how my morning went, "We were able to stabilize a black hole for thirty seconds; before that, we used the wrong type of radiation and it went ka-boom. I was in the way."

I hadn't gotten high since I was a grad student. It didn't nearly burn as bad as I remembered. I tried to hold the smoke in as long as possible before coughing it out. Sebastian laughed and I couldn't help but lean over and kiss him as I handed it back.

Once the kiss ended, he asked, "If your students knew you got high would they think you were the coolest fucking teacher in the world?"

"Probably," I huffed out a laugh as I went back to thumbing through his milk crates full of vintage vinyl albums. "I didn't think young twenty-four year olds even knew what vinyl's were," I said as I took a record out and looked at the cover.

"That's not mine," he said as he snatched the album out of my hands and flicked it like a frisbe across the living room.

"Oh, you're not crazy about The Monkees?" I teased as he started laughing. "I heard all the boys went crazy over Davy Jones." Grabbing the beer bottle out of his hand, I took a sip.

"Davy Jones sucks and Lennon/McCartney were kings," Sebastian said as he took the bottle from me as I lifted it to take another sip. With seeing his smile, I let him have it. I've had too much to drink anyway. "I said it wasn't mine. Some of those were my parents."

"You know, you can tell a lot about a person by what's in their music collection."

"And what does mine say about me, Professor?"

"You're a white college student," I said in all seriousness with a teasing smirk. I took the joint back from him, took another hit then passed it back as I picked up another album at random. "You've got The Beatles, Bob Marley, The Clash, The Cure, Muse...Wang Chung? This one of your parents' too?"

"Hey, don't dis my Wang Chung," Sebastian said as he snatched it out of my hands again. "You want to know what I love?"

I glanced over at him as I said, "I could say something very vulgar right now."

"Oh," he said playfully. "Please do tell, Dr. Banner. Does it start with a 'c; and end with a 'k'."

"Hmm, maybe," I said as I picked up another record. It was a single and I hadn't heard the band before.

"Oh," he reached into the crate and pulled out an album. "This song reminds me of you. You like Coldplay?"

"Who?"

He handed the joint back to me as he moved to get up. "God, Bruce, you need to get out of your lab more."

"No I don't."

Sebastian just looked at me and shook his head, muttering, "I'd love to see what's in _your_ record collection."

"A lot of the same, but with more blues and a lot of jazz..."

"Jazz like in Coltrane?"

"Among others," I said as I watched as he put the record on. "Uh, I just came from a nightclub blasting house music. It gave me a headache. I don't want to make it worse," I told him before sucking in more of the marijuana smoke before breathing it back out.

Sebastian glanced back as he jumped up, he said in disbelief, "You were at a nightclub? Did you dance?"

"No," I huffed out in a laugh.

Sebastian's stereo system was huge. The guy had everything he needed to make his own record if he wanted. He dropped the needle and turned to face me. Holding out his hand, he said, "Dance with me."

For a long moment there was no sound coming for the stereo as I said, "Uhhhh, I don't think so."

Sebastian rolled his eyes as he sighed before grabbing my arm and pulling me to my feet. "Loosen up, Bruce. No one's going to laugh."

"I might," I said as he took the joint from me and put it in the ashtray on top of the stereo system. Then the first notes of the piano started as his arms wrapped around me and I realized I was an idiot for protesting. Holding him that close was what was amazing. "What's this song?"

"It's called, 'The Scientist'. It's kind-of sad, but...sweet. Like I said, it reminds me of you."

"You think I'm sad?"

"I think you have a lot of lonilness, and fear, inside of you. I am a very observant person, and I could see from the moment we met that you've never had a lover."

The way he said that while looking pointedly into my eyes had me in disbelief. It was way too early in this...whatever it was, to feel this way. Wasn't it?

"Even though you tried to fool me last night, I knew it was your first time. When you cancelled our date I thought you were running. I thought..." he shook his his head with smile before saying, "Just listen to the song, and move with me. Okay?"

I gave a nod as the music and lyrics that filled the room swelled the already growing pain in my chest and lump in my throat. I stopped caring about how ridiculous I looked as Sebastian wrapped his arms around me and held me close as he started to sway.

_"Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry, you don't know how lovely you are. I had to find you, tell you I need you, tell you I set you apart. Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions. Oh, let's go back to the start. Running in circles, coming up tails, heads on a science apart."_

My hands clenched into his shirt as my eyes squeezed shut. Emotions I'd never let myself feel since I was kid crashed into my chest and it felt like I was dying. I couldn't do this. I couldn't. It was too much.

_"Nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard...Oh, take me back to the start."_

His hands traveled over my back as our dancing turned more physical and less about keeping rhythm. That was good; I could focus on the physical. The physical I was good at. I could do that.

Pushing the pain my chest down and swallowing the lump in my throat I focused on how amazing his body felt rubbing me just right. He responded to my caresses as I felt his hardening erection press against me. The hitch then moan that escaped my shaking lips were amplified as his hands slid lower to play with the hem of my shirt.

_"I was just guessing at numbers and figures, pulling the puzzles apart. Questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart."_

His fingers, his touch, were leaving trails of heat along my body, neck and face. Encouraging touches that told me this wasn't over, not by a long shot. Taking a deep breath against his neck, I quivered as his touch propelled my own movements. As his hand flowed down over my face, sliding his thump over my lips, I reached my hand up to follow the movement.

Never had I felt so strongly a person's touch. It was overwhelming and it drove my desires and inhibitions deeper. I shivered at the sensation while my eyes closed as he pressed a kiss against my neck. I had to keep myself from not taking him right then and there on the living room floor.

_"Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me, oh when I rush to the start. Running in circles, chasing our tails, coming back as we are."_

Leaning fully into his body my breath hitched as I felt his hand moving down further, running along the fabric of my jeans that covered my hip and then he squeeze my ass and shifted me forward against him. He was driving me crazy.

I grabbed his hand and moved it for my backside to the uncomfortable bulge in the front of my jeans; we both squeezed and gasped.

_"Nobody said it was easy, oh, it's such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard."_

"Bruce," he breathed out against my ear before kissing it, licking it. I nearly came as I groaned.

I was gone. If anyone wanted to turn me on, even when I was completely out of the mood, all they had to do was stimulate my ear by kissing it, licking it or even breathing heavily agaisnt it. That sensation made me harder than if he would've just touched me. I turned my head to meet his lips.

_"I'm going back to the start."_

As we kissed he pushed my shirt up to caress over my stomach as he thrust up into hard into my groin. It was getting so more difficult to stay standing as my knees felt like they were going to give out. Once the kiss ended, I felt the smile on my face as I wrapped my hand around his neck as I brought my lips up to kiss his ear and then along his jaw.

"I want you," he whispered right before he did want I wanted to do; he took me to the floor.

TBC...


	3. Chapter 3

**The End of the Beginning**

**Part 1, Ch. 3**

_Six Weeks Later_

My head was buzzing as my vision blurred as the world swayed to the left and I stumbled on the sidewalk. To steady myself I stuffed my hands in my jeans pockets. It was late summer but the air was cool, but not so cold that I needed an extra jacket over my suit coat. Plus, the alcohol swimming in my veins was helping to keep me warm.

I shouldn't be drinking or doing anything that could make me lose me temper. My temper scared the shit out of me; it was the reason my first girlfriend, Susan Jacobson, had left me forever ago. I'd gotten angry and grabbed her. That was it, but it was enough. She said that I had become a different person, and I had felt like a different person when I'd done it. Even after I had apologized and told her that I only wanted what was best for them and explained that was why I had gotten so upset, she still left.

So much for best intentions.

Stumbling a little more, I winced as I jammed my left shoulder into a light pole at the corner and slumped against it. My eyes closed and that didn't stop the world from spinning, or my gut. Breathing out deeply through my nose, I tried to regain my bearings. The noise of the street, car horns, distant police sirens, people talking and walking by, pulsed at my anxiety and made me wish I'd stayed in the dark corner of the bar I had just left.

Looking around, I was confused. The house I rented was the other way. Taking in the street signs, I realized where I was headed. Sebastian. That's right. Rubbing at my buzzed head, I debated if I wanted to continue on that path or not. The more I thought about it the more my desire grew. I needed to see him.

Letting out a breath of cold air, I looked both ways down the street before crossing to the next corner and further away from my home. Getting to the apartment building I leaned on the buzzer until I heard his voice drift through the speaker.

"Who is it?"

"Me. It's me...Bruce. Can I come up?"

The door buzzed and I quickly opened it. Using the stairs instead of the elevator like I always did, I headed up to the third floor and then down the long hallway. Before I could knock, the door opened to reveal the man I'd come to see.

"Sebastian," I said as I looked the man over. His jeans and black t-shirt were a little too tight on him but I thought maybe that was the point. Then I took a step back as I lost my balance but caught myself.

"Well, well, what a pleasant surprise. What's it been, a whole month?"

"Only two weeks. I'm not interrupting-"

"No, you're not," Sabastian's soft voice said as he moved aside to let me into the apartment. "I thought you were busy?"

"I was," I said then waited until he shut the door before moving toward him. Gently taking his face in my hand, I stroked my thumb over his lips then cheeks as I stepped up to kiss him.

Sebastian stopped me with a hand up to my mouth and smiled. "You're drunk, and it's been two weeks since I last heard from you. Are you okay?"

_Nice going, Banner. Alienate the one man, the one person, you actually think you can love._ Sighing in annoyance with myself, I told him, "I'm sorry. Things got crazy and I was so consumed by work that I really hadn't had time to think about anything else."

"Why're you drunk?" he asked and I shook my head. My head wouldn't stop shaking as the pain in my chest clenched. His hands cupped my face, stopping the shaking as he leaned his head agaisnt mine. "Bruce, please, tell me."

Hearing his plea felt like a knife to the chest. Looking up at him, I stared up at him as I finally got it out. "They denied my research...again."

Sebastian's face dropped a little. He knew why I'd been so busy these past six weeks. "You lost the grant."

"That's twice now," I said with a bitter laugh as I held up two fingers. "Twice where I've been passed over. I thought for sure that my work with Selvig would've been enough to win them over. I was wrong."

Sebastian wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me into a tight hug. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," I said as I leaned into him. I've missed this. I've missed his warmth. "I'm okay." _No you're not, Banner. You're a mess. A miserable mess. You piece of shit. No one has ever taken your work seriously and never will._

"Are you really?" he asked and my hold on him tightened as I felt the tears well in my eyes.

I knew I'd gotten drunk for a reason. Without the alcohol swimming in my veins, I would've never showed up on his doorstep. I never would've uttered a word about my failures, and I never would've broken down. Breathing out into his chest, I had to swallow all my pride to choke out the word, "No. I'm a failure." _You're not just a failure, Banner, but a hack!_ "A-a hack...worthless scientist."

"Hey, hey, Bruce, look at me," Sebastian demanded as he pulled me away. I couldn't look at him; I was a wreck. I was acting like a pityful child. "You're not a failure and you're not a hack. How can you look at all you've done and say that you're worthless? You recreated a fucking black hole that could hold its mass for a minute, for fuck's sake."

"One minute, twenty-three seconds," I corrected and he smiled.

"A minute twenty-three seconds. Bruce, you're a damn genius and one day everyone's going to know that. You're going to change the world for the better. I know it."

I wished I could believe him; I really did, but I couldn't get that voice out of my head that told me everything I did wasn't good enough. That it was wothless...I was worthless. I hated that voice. It souned too much like my fathers'.

Sebastian pulled me into a deep kiss and I felt the growing intensity in my gut as he started to pull me backwards. Instead of taking us to his bedroom, Sebastian dragged me into the living room where he sat down on the couch and pulled me onto his lap. I kissed him again but not as deeply. His kisses turned from desperate need to tender light caresses that helped to calm me down.

He kept his arms around my neck, running his fingers through my hair and along the nape of my neck. The touches weren't to excite but to soothe my anxious nerves and tense muscles. I really wasn't in the mood for anything more. I was drunk and exhausted. Tonight I just wanted the comfort of another human being.

When his lips only became feather light against my lips, he breathed out and rested his head against my shoulder. I liked that feeling of being held, and Sebastian had told me that he enjoyed it as well.

_"Sometimes," _Sebastian had told me once, _"I'm happiest when all we do is hold each other and talk. I've never gotten that with any of my past boyfriends. If we weren't fucking we weren't touching."_

After a moment I heard Sebastian ask, "Coffee, tea, beer or wine?"

Swallowing hard and reaching up to rub the dry tears off my face, I told him, "I've already been drinking, and I'm too tired for coffee, so…tea would be nice; thank you." I reluctantly let him go as I slid off his lap as he got up.

It took me a minute to get up and follow. Sebastian had told him that he enjoyed having tea. Having spent most of his childhood in Europe and in England, he'd gotten used to it. And he and his mother had carried on the tradition once back in the states. Every day at noon it was tea time in his house.

I leaned against the entrance to the kitchen and watched as he prepared the tea using a kettle instead of the microwave. I liked that.

"I'm not going to bite."

Smiling shyly, and still feeling vulnerable, I stepped into the kitchen and sat on a stool at the middle island. "That smells delicious. Chamomile?"

Sebastian smiled as he turned that smile toward me. "Very good. Would you like some honey, honey?"

"Why not. Thanks." I took the offered cup a few minutes later and then sipped cautiously so not to burn my tongue. "I haven't had hot tea in a very long time." The smell reminded me of my Aunt; of sitting in her kitchen at night after waking up from a nightmare. She would make me a hot cup of either coco or tea.

"They do sell it, surprisingly enough."

I chuckled as I leaned my elbows on the counter top, trying to steady myself as the room tilted slightly. "Yes, I think I knew that." On the counter sat a tray of cookies and Sebastian picked it up to offer me one. Smiling, I took one with a soft, "thanks," as I also grabbed a napkin to place it on so not to get the counter dirty.

"So," Sebastian said after he took a sip. "You start teaching again tomorrow, right?"

I gave a nod as I chewed on the cookie and then swallowed it down with some tea. Trying to advert the attention, I asked, "What about you? What've you been up to?"

"Ah, me, let's see. Well," he said as his eyes got wide and his smile grew bigger, "I sold one of my designs."

"You did?" I perked up at that and then asked before taking another bite, "Uh, which one? To who?"

Sebastian beamed at me and then picked up the cup and took another drink. "I had no real name for it I called it the KinE Absorber."

"The what?" I asked in confusion.

He laughed. "It's a machine that can absorb kinetic energy. I'm not sure exactly the benefits of it or what the company can do with it-"

"I can see a lot of potential for a machine like that. Tweek it the right way, it could be the first successfully generated force field."

Sebastian stared at him and shook his head. "Force field? Wow, I wouldn't have even considered that."

"What's this company you sold it to?"

"Oh, uh, it's a new company called Advance Idea Mechanics. From what they've told me they're an international company that deals with development and marketing of new technology. They're opening a production facility about an hour away from here. Anyway, it's a foot in the door and hopefully by the time I get my Master's the door will open wide enough for me to entire."

I smiled a little wider. "Wow, that's great. I'm really happy for you."

"Really?" he asked and I had to catch myself because he was staring desperately into my eyes.

Nodding, I told him, "Yes. Why wouldn't I be?"

Sebastian kept staring at me until I started to squirm in my seat. Then he shot up off the stool he'd been sitting on and kissed me hard on the lips. Pulling back, he said, "Thank you."

"Okay," I said once he moved away. "What was that for?"

"For believeing in me, for one. And for not being jealous."

At that last part, I glanced over at him and saw the sincere expression on his face. He had a point. Today I had just lost a grant for my research and he, on the other hand, sold one of his designs that could potentionally change the future of the world and make him millions. I had every reason to be jealous or spiteful, and normally I would've been. I had in the past left a relationship because of that very fact.

I couldn't do that to Sebastian. I found myself feeling nothing but happiness for him. My body started to shake slightly as I looked back to the counter. The feeling wasn't unfamiliar to me, but it was the reason I was scared that truly frieghtened me. That reason was love. I knew that I truly, sincerely, loved him.

A hand covered mine and I looked up to see Sebastian's worried eyes staring at me. He didn't say anything as he took my hand in his and squeezed. Leaning in close, he kissed me again, enciting a moan as I wrapped my arm around his waist. His hands roamed over my back and up to my hair while his other hand lifted my arm up, causing me to stand.

"Are you getting tired?" Sebastian asked when he broke the kiss and pulled back.

Not trusting myself to speak, I nodded my answer. As we left the kitchen, I kept my arm wrapped around Sebastian. It wasn't an easy thing to do seeing how he was taller and built wider than I was. Going down the hall to his bedroom, I sat with him on the bed and then proceeded to undress.

"What time do you want me to set the alarm?"

"Uh…four would be fine."

Sebastian set the alarm and then we climbed into bed together. He pulled me close and I settled on his chest where I laid, comfortably, easily, but I couldn't sleep. As my hand lazily rubbed over his chest as I listened to his heartbeat under my right ear, all I could think about was how scared I was.

Sebastian's heart rate was rapid and his breathing wasn't even. Tilting my head back to look at him, I saw that he was staring at the ceiling deep in thought. His hand came up to run through my hair. His fingers traced over my left ear then over the scar that behind it. His frown deepened and he peered down at me.

Turning my eyes away, I couldn't look at him. He had tons of questions and no answers because I wasn't willing to provide any. Resting my head back on his chest, I willed the fear away as I tried to focus on his breathing, the beating of his heart, and the smoothness of his chest and tightness of his stomach. "Do you workout?"

"Four times a week," he said right before he added, "Why don't you join me sometime?"

Chuckling, I told him, "I'm not a 'get buff' type of guy."

"You could go for the cardio. Running's good for you."

His hand wouldn't stop massaging my scalp, nor stop tracing over that damn scar. It was maddening. Closing my eyes, I went back to focusing on what my hand was feeling and what my ear was hearing.

"That's a pretty nasty scar."

This was the last thing I wanted to talk about. During the last six weeks, well four weeks since I haven't seen Sebastian in the last two, we hadn't really talked much. I mean, we discussed our passion projects and work, and all our collective knowledge of all things obscure, but I barely knew his past and he didn't know any of mine. I knew about his time in Europe; his father's passing, and then his home schooling in Pittsburgh, but nothing too personal. He knew I was born in Dayton, Ohio, and that I went to Harvard, to Caltech, and that I also attended medical school for a short time period before being offered a teaching position at Culver.

I never once mentioned my parents, my childhood, or my teenage years in high school.

"How'd you get it?" he asked softly in the dark room.

That fear crept back and a pain settled in my chest as my breathing quickened. It took everything I had to not get up and leave. Leaving hurt me more than staying. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I finally got out of my dry mouth, "Compliment of my father."

His hand stilled and so did my heart. Then, after a breath, uttered softly, "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it. I don't." I didn't tell him that my mother wasn't as lucky as me. That she was the one who paid the ultimiate price in the end. _Coward. He'll leave now. He'll go and never come back. Your father should've ended you._ Clenching my eyes shut and fisting the sheet under my other hand, the one that wasn't laying flat on Sebastian's chest, I admitted, "I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"This. Us."

Sebastian was quiet for a long moment and I wasn't sure if he understood or not until he asked, "Have you ever been in love before?"

Without opening my eyes, I said, "No. I think one of the reasons I stayed with women for so long, and refused to accept who I was, was because I knew that with them I would never feel like this. Is it wrong to be scared to death of love?"

There was a moment of silence in which all I could hear was his thumping heartbeat. Then I heard, "Only if the love you have for that person is wrong. This, Bruce, this isn't wrong. There's no reason to be afraid."

I couldn't stop the tears if I tried. Everything hurt. My chest, my head, my heart...I would never know why love hurt so damn much, but for me it did. It was enough to kill me.

Sebastian grabbed me under my arms and pulled me upward so he could see my face. I shifted up his body and rested my arms on either side of his head as he lifted his head up to kiss me. A rush of something I'd never felt flooded my body and I couldn't help but kiss him everywhere. I kissed his face, his neck, over his chest and down between his legs. Then I helped to roll him over. I kissed over every inch of his bare back as my fingers worked to prepare him before I removed my fingers to slide into his body; catching his hand in mine, I held on as I gave him everything I had and more.

After I called his name and it trembled out of my mouth over and over, I told him how much I loved him.

It wasn't long before we both drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

* * *

><p><span><em>The next morning<em>

_Bruce's House_

_There was always something that shifted behind those dark brown eyes of yours that wasn't right. There was something that was just…off, about that look. Everyone saw it but could never place what it was. It was a darkness that went deeper, burned more sinister than anyone thought possible. You would see other people's eyes and there would be a light in them, a light of good or innocence; it was the light of life. Your eyes have a glint of light in them as well, but you know it's a rouse. One used to deceive._

_You wipe the steam off the mirror and glare at those dark eyes wondering for a brief moment who and what you were seeing in them. What you see is the dark emptiness of a lost soul buried. Who you see is an angry beast threatening to break free and devour…_

_You see me. _

Reaching over, I turned up the volume to the small radio as I tried to drown out those thoughts. That voice in my head that I hated just as much I hated my father's voice.

I really enjoyed listening to music in the morning while I got ready for work. It helped my mind to prepare for the day around the hordes of people I would have to deal with. At the moment, Everlast's song "Today (Watch Me Shine)" was playing and I fucking loved that song.

"_Yesterday is just a dream I don't remember. Tomorrow, still a hope I've yet to endure. I'm out of time, I'm out of rhyme, I'm out of reason. Seasons change and leave me out in the cold."_

I softly sung along as I tapped the straight razor on the edge of the sink to get the shaving cream off before looking back up into the mirror at my reflection. It was slow and methodological, running the blade over my neck and the precious vital vein that if slit would end my life. It was so effortless and easy; it didn't require any thought at all. For murderers it was a combination of muscle memory and pure instinct; at least, that was what I'd been told. I wondered how it was for those who'd done it willingly to themselves.

"…_got a fistful of dollars, and pocketful of love. God above if you hear me cryin', I've tried to sell my soul but no one's buyin'. Lord strike me down now if I'm lyin'…It's getting' cold, it's time for dyin'. Come on and watch me shine, like the world is mine, today."_

The lyrics from the song began to play over and over in my head even though the song had ended as I left the bathroom and went down the hallway to the bedroom_. "Let the man that was free from sin, cast the first stone and begin the violence. Let the man whose words ring true, speak up till his voice breaks through the silence."_

Dressing in a clean suit, cheap polyester blue tie, and a pair of sneakers helped to make me feel halfway normal. That I could actually blend into the rest of the world. It was funny how a simple outfit could make me feel like a completely different person. It also helped that I had seen Sebastian and finally professed my love to the man.

Today, there would be no distractions.

"_Let the ones who lose their way, live to see just one more day in the sunshine."_

The coffee was done brewing and the smell drifted through the whole house. Going down the steps and taking a left turn into the kitchen, I looked the room over as I realized he hadn't cleaned it in at least a few weeks. Papers were piled on the kitchen table along with books and video cassette tapes and DVD's from the library. My keys were on top of one of the newspaper piles and I picked them up as I walked by. Finding a thermos in a cabinet I filled it with the hot coffee then headed into the living room to gather all my notebooks, folders, and laptop into a backpack then slung it over my shoulder. Double checking a list I'd made and had pinned to the wall by the front door, I made sure I had everything.

"Glasses," I said in irritation as I patted my jacket pockets to no avail. Looking around, I spotted them on a table by the phone. As soon as I slipped on my glasses I felt that I was now the man I was supposed to be: Professor Robert Bruce Banner.

"_Let the ones who choose to stray, recognize the price they'll pay in their lifetime. Come on and watch me shine, like the world is mine."_

It had seemed for a while that I was slipping further and further away from myself. It was a weird fucking thought because how could I feel this distant from my own body and mind? However, for days and weeks, that was exactly what I felt and it was scary. The thoughts I would have, the dreams and nightmares that kept me awake were disturbingly real to the point that half the time I couldn't distinguish the difference between what was real and what was the dream.

Trying to pin-point the exact time this all started was useless. This feeling had been sort-of on and off for most of my life. When I was a kid it had been more prominent but had steadily decreased as I'd gotten older. Now, now it was coming back in full force. That voice in my head was getting louder and more urgent. Like it was an important part of my conscious.

I could still hear that voice in my head even now, taunting, enticing me to give into the nature of the beast and never look back. The patience it took, the amount of self-control that was required to repress those desires, was enough to make a man go insane.

"_Come on and watch me shine, like the world is mine."_

Sebastian had helped me replace the tires on my car weeks ago and even though it was now driveable, I hadn't bothered to drive it for the last month. But now that I had classes, I started the engine and smiled as it roared to life. The first day of classes was always a thrill. I actually did enjoy teaching young vibrant men and women how to change the fucking world with science. I mean, how cool was that?

"_Sit in the way and wait for my roads to cross, you nail me down and you watch me bleed. So lay my head against the earth, plant my body like a seed…" _

The drive went by fairly quickly and the next thing I knew I was parking in the lot next to Rick's car. The engine continued to idle as I looked around and steadied my racing pulse while pushing my anxiety down. This always happened when I arrived at the university. I would nearly break out into a panic attack. I pulled out the bottle of prescription medication I kept in my inside jacket pocket and took two with a sip of coffee.

"_You can't always get the things you want, love, you get want you deserve or maybe what you need. So fill my hole with precious dirt, love…"_

Once I got myself under control, I finally cut the engine and got out. With the backpack over my shoulders and thermos in hand, I headed out across the parking lot and down the sidewalk while taking sips of the coffee. The sidewalks were full of students embarking on their first day of college classes.

Stopping at a light I looked over at a young woman reading a text on her cell phone. The book that was in her arm was one of the many that I had assigned for my biochemistry class. She had no idea yet that I was her professor, or that there was an entire chapter in that book dedicated to my research on anti-electron collisions.

When the light turned, and they all started walking, I looked away and took a breath as I urged my body to put one foot in front of the other. It was going to be a good day, I could feel it. _"Come on and watch me shine…"_ "…like the world is mine, today," I softly sung as I headed across the street toward the building that housed my office.

On the walk, I could feel the fear growing stronger in my chest as I pulled open the doors to the building. My steps grew heavier as my lungs ached for air when I pressed the button for the elevator. Why didn't I just take the stairs? I was claustrophobic for fuck's sake.

Gripping the handle that circled around the walls of the elevator car, I had to close my eyes and battled with the fear strangling my throat and chest…

_"Don't! Please, don't leave me in here! I'm sorry! I'm sorry1" I pleaded as the door slammed shut and locked._

It was getting to become too much as I slumped back and sucked in a deep breath to steady my breathing.

_The air in the small closet seemed to grow thicker as I felt the tears run down my face. There was a light but I couldn't reach the string that when pulled turned it on. I jumped up but only felt the faintest whisper of the string on my fingertips. It was getting harder to breathe, to think, as the fear fully engulfed my chest._

_"Dad!" I screamed as my fists pounded against the wooden door until they bled, until bones broke and skin bruised and my muscles swelled. "Dad, please..." I begged one final time before I hit my knees, choking on my own breath until I passed out._

I didn't open my eyes again until the doors slid open and I practially ran out before I suffered an attack. Why didn't I take the damn stairs. Instead of going to the office, I went out onto a balcony that overlooked a quad and took deep breaths and finished the coffee while I calmed my nerves. I stayed out there until it was time for class.

On the first day of classes, I hardly ever arrived before my students. The anticipation of seeing the widely-known, unconventional, and highly criticized professor for the first time was always the driving point behind most of the students reasons for taking my classes anyway. Despite what I thought, or the fact that I'd never been awarded a grant for anything, I, Doctor Bruce Banner, was a very well-known, highly respected scientist in a lot of circles. I had journals dedicated to my work. Unfortuntally, no one else was interested in my work besides Selvig. I felt my jaw tense at the thought of how easily everyone else in the science community tended to be offered grants at the drop of a hat, like Angela Lipscombe, my second ex-girlfriend.

The only people who seemed interested in me outside of the univeristy was the government for some reason. They had even tried to get me to come to work for them but that would I would have to go through all the psychological testing and training of being an official government scientist and researchist, whatever. I had said no for many different reasons, one of which was because I didn't think I would pass any of their psych tests due to my anxiety. Besides, I liked not having a boss and I liked working on my own projects and research. To be burdened and shackled down to someone elses agenda didn't sound appealing unless it helped in my own research. The government had told me time and time again that they weren't. Hence the no grant dilemma.

Plus, I didn't want the hours.

Anyway, back to the classroom and my grad students. I hardly ever arrived before they did, but today I felt an odd sensation to conduct a kind-of social experiment with the class that some would think had nothing to do with science. I highly disagreed. On three of the desks I had put signs on them, telling them not to sit down in those seats. I, however, was sitting in one of the seats I'd marked off as not to be sat in.

Leaning back against the wall, I tried to get comfortable in the horribly uncomfortable desk by stretching my legs out. Students filtered in choosing the seat they would most likely sit in for the rest of the semester because that was human nature. There was no reason to ever make a seating chart. Once a person took a desk on the first day of class, the next class day they gravitated naturally to that same desk. It became theirs.

People were funny that way. Nothing ever truly belonged to them. Everything could be taken from anyone at any…given…moment…

A woman was looking down at me with a look of disapproval and I almost laughed. "Yes?"

"You're sitting in a seat that's restricted," she informed me like she was crowned class security officer.

Making a show of looking down at the sign I had put on that desk, I shrugged. "It seems to be a perfectly good desk to me."

"You're going to get in trouble. I'm sure there's a sign on it for a reason."

Smiling slightly, I nodded saying, "I'm sure there is." Not attempting to move, I let the woman give me another dirty look before she walked around to find _her_ seat.

It was funny; I had sat in one of the three restricted seats and no one else even attempted to sit in the other two. Once the class was full, and there were two students standing trying to figure out what to do, I got up and started down the aisle while telling the two students who were standing to pick one or leave. The two students looked like I'd just smacked them upside their heads but they hurried to take a seat.

"Why is it," I was saying, "that when we see a sign telling us to do something, or not to do something, we obey it without question?" Stopping at the front of the room, I picked up a marker and wrote a word on the whiteboard: Conditioning. Turning to my students, I pointed to it. "Is this the reason? Does Ivan Pavlov ring any bells?" That got several chuckles. Finding the woman that had given me the dirty look, I called her out on it. Pointing to her, I said, "She told me that I would get in trouble for sitting there." That caused some of the students to smile a little. "I bet when you see a sign on the grass telling you to keep off, you follow it." The woman blushed slightly at the embarrassment it caused her, but I didn't care. I was making a point. "Question: If you had walked in and there was a sign telling you to kill everyone else who entered this room, who would have taken it seriously?" I asked while raising my hand.

No one else ventured to raise theirs.

"So, why take the sign that I put on the desks seriously but not the one telling you to kill? Everyone else who entered into this room could've been raging murderers, rapists, or worse…evangelists." With that opening question of human behavior, along with the laughter coming from most of my students, glares from a few others, I got the class going.

Forty minutes later, I was sitting on the edge of the desk, tossing a marker up in the air and catching it over and over as I finished the lecture for the day. "Conditioning has lead us to take things as they are. To turn our backs because it's so much easier to sit in front of our televisions, to bury ourselves under our cell phones and Play Stations and all the gadgetry in our lives, and ignore what is really going on." I caught the marker and sat it down before eyeing everyone in the class. "If you do anything this semester, if you take anything away from this class, it's that you have the opportunity to step up and deliver on this transformative moment in your lives. You're not the youth of the future, you're the youth of now. And right now, through all your knowledge and through the advances in science, technology, you can start changing the world this very second. Or, you can go back to your crappy apartment and sit down on your crappy couch and flip on the tube and ignore the coming flood. As for me, I'm going to go to my lab and figure out how to produce clean energy, real clean energy, okay, not this fake shit they're selling you in commericals, so we can all have a better, cleaner, brighter future. My lab is open 24/7 and all you need to do to use it is show your student ID and sign-in. Oh, and don't make a mess, if you do you better clean it up. I don't need to be awoken at two-thirty in the morning because you caused an explosion. Any questions?" When no one dared to raise a hand, I nodded, "Okay, class dismissed."

As the students started to leave the room, I spotted two people standing just outside the door. It didn't take a genius to see that they were with the government or military. The man was blocking the woman who was standing just outside the door, in the hallway, as the students filed out. To give me a minute to gather myself, I started gathering my notes and papers up into my bag while they approached.

"That was an interesting lecture. You held their attention the entire time."

At hearing that voice I froze. It took me a moment to lift my head and stare at the woman. She was a little shorter than me with dyed brownish blond hair and blue eyes. "Betty?"

She briefly smiled as she said, "Doctor Banner."

At glancing to the man and seeing the suspicious look on his face, I quickly composed himself. "Uh...Doctor Ross. And you are?" I asked the man.

"This is Doctor I. G. Drenvok," Betty told me as the man extended his hand for me to shake. "He's a Russian scientist."

"I. G.? You go by your initials," I asked Dr. Drenvok, or Ig, as I let go of his hand.

He gave a slight nod as he simply said, "Yes."

Looking from Betty to the tall Russian man, I smiled slightly, saying, "I. C." while smirking at my own joke that I knew Ig didn't get. "So, I'm assuming this visit isn't about how great of a lecturer I am." Was this really real? Why was she here, I questioned and soon got my own unasked answer.

"We're with a specialized scientific research division of the United States Armed Forces."

I shook my head as I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulder. "Your father?"

Betty frowned at my tone but gave a nod.

"This isn't about saving people but finding another way to blow half of them away. What is it this time, you want to put laser beams in satellites?" I sarcastically asked as I started for the door. That was nicer than telling Betty, Drenvok and the whole military that they could go to hell. And, Betty, come on, she knew I wasn't interested.

The two military officials followed. "We're not here to ask you help the military kill, Dr. Banner, but to save the lives of a few hundred thousand men and women serving their country. We're creating a new weapon to combat-" Ig spoke up for the first time.

Stopping just outside the door, I turned to him. "If you want weaponized technology, go to Stark Industries."

Betty stared at me for a long moment then asked, "Is there anywhere we can go and talk?"

I didn't want to talk but I knew they weren't going to leave that easily. "My office."

I led them up flights of stairs and halfway to the fourth floor heard them both start to wonder why they weren't taking the elevator. Pushing open the stairwell door, I turned right and led them down the long corridor. My office was at the other end right next to the south side stairwell. It was one of the reasons why I picked that office. I could come and go without anyone noticing.

Unlocking the door, I pushed it open and flicked on the light and stopped. "Shit, Banner," I muttered under my breath. I forgot.

The office was cluttered with books and stacks of newspapers and old scientic journals that I'd helped on. Both chairs in front of the desk were filled with old science magazines and newspapers. Leaning down, I picked one stack up and searched for a spot to drop them.

Deciding on the floor, I dropped them as I hastly apologized, "Sorry, I haven't been in here for a few months." I cleared a spot off the cluttered desk for the binder and sat it down before taking off my suit jacket. As I loosened my tie and stepped up to the window, I asked, "I'm assuming you went to Stark Industries first and they turned you down, is that it?"

"Close," Betty said as she watched me as I jerked the window up a few times.

I stopped trying to open the window and looked over at her. "Really? I can't imagine Stark turning down the opportunity." I pushed the window up as hard as I could and it finally squeaked as it lifted. "That's better. I can breathe." As I took a seat I looked them both over as I thought about the reason they were there. "Okay, you know what, let's back this up a minute. Who's going to be in charge of this highly-classified scienitific research division of the military?"

"We never said it was highly-classified."

"Uh-huh, but you never told me exactly what it was either."

Ig just sighed and finally cleared his throat, telling me, "We're under direct orders from General Thaddeous Ross."

Looking to Betty, I swirled in my chair, feeling all me restless energy course through my blood as I remembered my very brief meeting with Ross many years ago. Now, I really wasn't liking this, but Betty was there for a reason. She knows me; and she knew I wouldn't agree to do anything for the military unless it was for a good cause. "Okay, and why me, why now?"

"Plain and simple, we need you," Betty answered right away. "Like I was trying to explain, we're weaponizing an agent that can combat the exposure to harmful radition. We're trying to find a way to protect our service men and women, not kill them. You're one of the leading experts on radition, most specifically Gamma, which is one of the hardest to predict and study."

"What'd you mean by weaponize an agent, how? It's impossible unless..." I trialed off as it clicked in my head. I looked from her to Ig. "A biological agent in the form of a formula." Then I realized what they were asking and my head started to shake, "I'm not...I'm a professor, and the school year just started. If you want me to consult, count me in but anything other than that. I don't want to be responsible for what else General Ross might do with a formula that, in retrospect, could be the next revelation in the super soldiers...I don't want any part of it." I left it at that. They got the idea; I didn't trust Ross and now I no longer trusted his daughter. And there had been a time when I did trust her.

"We would've thought with your personal investment in the field you'd be more forthcoming in helping us."

Glancing over to Ig...Iggy, I thought as I clenched my hand as I told him, "I said I'll consult. If you haven't noticed by now, I'm a pacifist. I'm not the biggest fan of the military. Unity by helping others, compassion through talking, conversations, the exchange of thoughts and ideas, of being listened to and understood…those are the answers. Not bombs and gunfire." I stared hard at him before asking Betty, "When will you need me to start?"

"Next week."

Ig crossed his leg over his knee before asking, "We got deal?"

Shifting my attention from one to the other, I asked, "I'll have to hand my classes off to my assistant if I get too busy..." I spoke mostly to myself before saying, "Okay. We'll get together again by the end of the week."

They both agreed and left, leaving me alone to consider what I had done.

I wasn't surprised that by the end of the day, after my last class, that a meeting was scheduled for Thursday night. Back in my office, I made the necessary notes in the files, made the appointments on the calendar, and had made three calls; one to my assistant about preparing to take over some of my classes, one to the director the of Molecular and Cellular Biology and Research department, and the last one to my doctor about my fears that the anxiety medication wasn't working properly.

Awhile later, I received a fax from my doctor regarding some side effects of the anxiety medication. I looked it over as I took a few more pills and got the bottle of scotch out of my bottom drawer. I was a complete mess and knew it. I had about half the bottle gone when I felt my head droop as my eyes closed.

"Doctor Banner…Doctor…"

Someone was shaking my shoulder as I stirred from a deep sleep that had my head pounding. It sounded like Tim's voice in my ear, asking me to wake up. Forcing my eyes open, I glanced around the office and then over my desk. Looking up, I saw Tim standing over me with a cup of coffee in his hand.

Leaning back in the chair, I checked my watch and saw it was seven o'clock at night. Rubbing at my face and eyes, I tried to remember what I'd been doing in my office earlier. Most of it was a blur in my fuzzy head and I couldn't really remember anything. "Um, huh…yeah, Tim. What…?"

Tim handed me a copy of the lesson plan while telling me, "I got your whole week prepared. And the next, just in case I have to cover for you."

I scratched at my head as I flipped through the folder and sighed. "Cover for me?"

Tim shifted in his stance as he said before taking a sip of the coffee in his hand, "You're working with the military on that project now, remember?"

Staring at my assistant of two years and I saw a familiar look in the young man's eyes. This wasn't the first time I'd asked Tim about something important that I didn't remember. Then, it clicked. Betty and I. G. Drenvok and gamma radition and formulas and Ross. That's when I noticed the sticky notes placed over my blotter along with new appointments made on various dates throughout the month on the calendar that I didn't remember making, but I must have because that was my handwriting. Shit, it was happening again. "Sorry, I'm still asleep. I could use a cup of coffee."

"I'll get it," Tim said with a genuine smile on his face as he sat his cup down and stepped over to the coffee pot on the table by the door.

While Tim got me a cup of coffee, I opened one of my folders and immediately spotted an unfamiliar form on top. Picking it up, I read it over and then noticed the signature at the bottom.

"What's that?"

I took the cup out of Tim's hands as I told him, "It's a report from my doctor. That's right, I called him and he sent me this. It seems that my medication could cause, among other things, confusion, disorientation, and memory problems."

What also caused those things was a much more severe illness if my medication wasn't working. I wasn't going to think about that now.

"That explains it then."

Hopefully that explained it. I could only nod as I sat the report down and took a big gulp of the coffee. The window as still open behind me and I could feel the cool night breeze blowing against my skin as I took in my cluttered office as my hand and jaw twitched. "I need to do some cleaning, huh?"

Tim laughed a little as he sat down in the chair across from the desk. "I gotta admit, I thought I was in the wrong office when I walked in. You're the most organized man I know, and this…It's like another person lives here."

My assistant had accused me on many occasions of living a double life and half the time living in my office. There had actually been times when I did end up sleeping on the couch that was on the wall opposite the bookshelves, but those were few and far between. "Over the summer while I was working with Dr. Selvig, I was doing a lot of researching and, I don't know what happened. I started collecting papers and magazines."

"Have you talked to your doctor about any of this behavior?" Tim asked. "You might need to seek some real help from a shrink, doc."

Normally, I would have been embarrassed or defensive about what I talked about with my doctor and getting advice from someone else, but Tim was different. The young man had become somewhat of a friend, as much as anyone could, and I had no problem talking to him openly about what was going on in my life for the most part. In a way, I had to since Tim was my assistant and spent most days with me for hours at a time.

Instead of being turned away from my erratic behavior, Tim had accepted it and helped however he could. A few months after working for me, Tim had finally revealed why he understood and why he had always been interested in the sciences. Tim had a parent who was mentally ill. Tim's father suffered from Bipolar Disorder. Tim's main goal in life was to find a cure; a real cure and not just create another drug to dull the delusions.

Giving a slight chuckle, I said, "I have, and in fact he did tell me that I needed therapy."

Tim smiled a little. "What anxiety meds are you on this time?"

"Prozac," I told him while leaning back into the chair and continued to sip on the coffee. "And I doubt it caused…this," I gestured around the office.

"Aren't those usually prescribed as an antidepressant?"

And there was the kicker. It was an antidepressant and whether I wanted to accept it or not, aside from my new relationship with Sebastian, I wasn't that happy of a person. Not being able to look at Tim, I instead picked up a sticky note and read it over and then looked at my calendar. "They can be, but they're also prescribed for anxiety, not to mention that I also have symptoms of obsessive-compulsiveness…which those drugs are used for as well. Two birds, one pill type of thing."

"You've got issues."

I tried not to laugh but failed as I chuckled slightly. Putting the sticky note back down, I couldn't help but that that yes, I did.

"But," Tim said, "it could be that the medication is helping with your obsessiveness and this could be the result. Maybe you stopped caring about clutter."

Taking a long sip of the coffee, I thought about that before giving a shrug. "Could be but I'm different at home. This morning I bleached my entire bathroom."

Tim stared at me as he said slowly, "O-kay."

I really laughed then as I said, "So, the project I'm helping the military with…"

"The radition defense, as you called it."

"I might get consumed by it since obsession is in my nature. You're okay to handle my class load on your own if that happens?"

"I'll be fine, doc. Luckily for me you don't hand out much homework."

I smirked as I started gathering my stuff into the backpack. It was the first day and I hadn't scheduled any homework to be done by the students other than reading assignments and not to destroy my lab. It wasn't that I didn't want them to not do work, I just hated grading papers but more than that I knew my students hated doing homework. Plus, these were grad students, not kids. They were adults so I treated them as such. The only assignment ever due in my classes were their dissertations at the end of the year. I wanted them to go out there and do.

"Tim, do yourself a favor."

"What's that?"

"Go to a bar, get drunk, find a pretty girl, or guy depending on your preference, and get laid."

Tim smiled as I got up to leave the office. "I'll do my best."

I picked up the backpack full of everything and the cup of coffee. I swallowed down the rest of the coffee and sat the cup on the table as I walked by out the door. Tim always locked up for me so I didn't bother with the door as I turned to my immediate left and pushed open the stairwell door that lead down to the exit and out into the cool night air.

TBC...


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I think it's funny how everyone thought of Matt Bomer when I described Sebastian. I was actually going off of the actual description of Sebastian Shaw from the comic books. It just so happens that his physicality fits Matt Bomer perfectly. Also, just to get it out there, I am not a shipper of Bruce/Tony. I love the science bros, not the science boyfriends. Bros should stay bros. That is why this will eventually be a Bruce/Clint story.

* * *

><p><strong><span>All Good Things<span>**

**Part 2, Ch. 1:**

_One Week Later_

_Culver University_

I hadn't heard from the military tag-team since Thursday night. It was now Monday morning. The weekend had been wonderful. For once I put my research and projects on the back burner and focused solely on my personal life. And the fact that I had a personal life was still surprising. I spent every moment I could with Sebastian. Waking with him in my bed, despite the fleeting thoughts of one pissed off Betty Ross in my head once she finds out, hadn't discouraged me in the least. After all these years, she re-emerged in my life and would be a if somewhat constant presence until this project was over. Sebastian had noticed the shift in my mood; he'd asked only once and then dropped it after I brushed it off.

To make it up to him, we stayed in bed until we were forced to leave it only because we were too hungry and exhausted to function. Together we went out to dinner without Rick and his girlfriend even though Rick had tried to get us to double date. He desperately wanted to meet the man who'd apparently, according to Rick, made me turn into an actual human being.

_"With emotions and everything, like a real boy," Rick had told me one night in the lab when he caught me grinning from ear-to-ear after getting off the phone with Sebastian._

The nights had been better for the both of us; without the feelings of fear and insecurities that had wrecked havoc on my conscious before, I was able to really enjoy his company as we dined at one of my favorite Italian restaurants before we enjoyed a nice walk through the park as I told him stories about the history of the Blue Ridge Mountains that seemed to surround Willowdale. Before the weekend was over we'd made plans to go on a hiking/camping trip over the university's scheduled fall break.

Monday morning had come all too quickly for my liking and I barely had enough time to make it to work before a search party was sent out. There wasn't even enough time for me to go home first so I had to shower and wear the same clothes I'd worn yesterday, which no one noticed except for Rick who withheld a knowing smirk the moment he spotted me.

"Don't even say it," I said as I walked by him into the bulding.

"How was your weekend?"

Glancing back at him, I saw the teasing glint in his eyes and held up a finger. "Rick-" I said in warning. It was too late.

"I thought the walk of shame ended with grad school," he said and I could only shake my head, but I couldn't keep the smile off my face if I tried. And I didn't.

Rick fell in-step with me as I headed up the stairs this time to my office. "Good thing your students think you live in the lab. Your appearance will only further enhance that mad scientist vibe you've got going."

Getting to my office, I unlocked the door while asking, "Is there a reason you're here?"

"Yes," Rick said as he stayed at the door and leaned against the frame as I tossed my backpack on the visitor's chair then proceded to make some coffee. I was going to need it. Looking up at him as I filled the pot with water, he continued, "Betty Ross."

If he was trying to get some sort of reaction from me, it didn't work. As I dumped the water in the machine and then flicked the button on, I told him, "I wondered when you would notice she was back."

"Back? You mean to tell me that she wasn't apologizing to you on her way to Hell?"

"Rick." I warned again but, again, it was too late.

He pushed off the doorframe and said, "That she-devil ripped your heart out."

"Have you not been paying attention to the here-and-now, Rick? I'm gay," I stressed as I grabbed my coffee cup off the desk and blew in it, clearing some of the collected dust from the weekend out of it.

"So," he snapped in annoyance. "That doesn't mean you can just let what she did slide on by like it no longer matters."

"That's exactly what it means. You want a cup?" I asked as I didn't wait for the coffee to finish brewing before pouring myself a cup. A few drips sizzled on the heating pan.

Rick gave me a long hard look before sighing. I could never tell if it was in annyonce or defeat, or both. "How long?"

Giving a shrug, I put the pot back and took a few sips of the strong coffee. I really had no idea how long this project was going to take. All I knew was that they wanted to use the lab at Culver and that as long as the project lasted, Betty would take up a temporary guest instructor's position in the Biochemistry Department. Iggy would divide his time between the university and Fort Detrick in Frederick, Maryland.

Then without warning, Rick went off again. "She is a controlling, conniving little bitch who pranced you around her father-"

"Pranced?" I asked with a smirk as I walked around my desk.

"The only reason she was with you was because her father hated you. You were so busy trying to please her, and him, that you couldn't see that you were nothing but a pawn in her game of defying her old man. Then once she had no use for you, she kicked you to the curb. You were going to propose to that woman!"

During Rick's tirade, I had sat down in my chair, sipped on my cup of coffee, and just nodded along with what he was saying because he was right about all of it. She had used me, and I had been so blinded to that fact that I actually tricked myself into not only trusting her, but loving her, and actually considered marriage. Me...marriage. A word I never thought I would use in conjunction with a woman. But I had considered it. I had even gone as far as buying a ring. That had been the price of my denial.

Besides Rick, there was one other person who knew that little tidbit: my psychiatrist.

That had been many, many years ago; way before I would even acknowledge the fact that I was gay. God, what I bullet I had missed. If I had married Betty it would've been a nightmare. Yeah, it would've been one big cluster fuck of a life.

But, it hadn't happened that way. We broke up, well, she left me. And I moved on. That was ten years ago. So, how come after all this time, when she showed up in my classroom, I had seen something in her eyes I thought I would never see: regret. She had looked downright remorseful in that split second before we both regained our composer to engage in a very civil conversation about, of all things, military warfare. Or, better yet, military scientific warfare. Whatever, it still was all bad news for me and I had willingly agreed to it.

Today was Day One of trying to find a way to combat radiation exposure on military service men and women. It was a noble cause, especially since 9/11 and the war that was still raging on overseas. Despite the twist of agony in my stomach for entrusting myself once again to the Ross family, I was amped for the opportunity. Especially if I could figure a way to predict and counteract the impact and effects of gamma raditation. It was the most unpredictable, and most powerful, radiation and to finally be able to predict it, control it, and lessen its effects would be monumental.

How could the science community deny me after that?

Rick was staring at me with a concerned look on his face. All his sarcasm and humor was gone as the crossed his arms over his chest and said, "I know what an opportunity like this can offer you, Bruce. I can. But," he took a breath before asking, "are you willing to sell your soul for that recognition?"

My jaw flexed as the hand that held the cup tightened. I wasn't selling my soul. "I haven't signed anything for the military. I still have control over my involvement. Whatever I discover, my research, it's all mine. Not theirs."

"And how long do you think that will last? Years?" Rick retorted as he shook his head. "You actually think the government will keep pumping their money into this project if you don't give them results? They'll take this from you and all their money will go with them, leaving you once again broke and flat on your face."

It was getting hard to not break the cup, and to work the tight muscles in my jaw to get a word out. Rick didn't give me the time to calm down as he turned the left my office. There was no door slamming, no outward show of frustration and anger, but the deafening silence that settled after his departure knocked the breath right out of my chest.

Rick was wrong, I told myself over and over as I gathered my notes and papers for the first class of the day.

* * *

><p><em><span>Office of Dr. Leonard Samson<span>_

I slumped in the chair, stared at the ceiling, and resisted the urge to kick the desk. My anger had gotten the better of me when I had, during a lecture, snapped at a stundent for pulling out his cell phonce during class. Normally, I wouldn't have cared. But for some reason being ignored and tuned out in favor of a text message had really pissed me off. I had grabbed the phone and threw it across the room. Yeah, it was excessive, but I didn't care. Luckily, it didn't break the phone. The battery had popped out and the back had come off, but otherwise the device was okay.

The student had gapped and stared like I'd lost my mind. I quickly apologized and told him to get the damn thing but to never take it out again. I had told the whole class that, in fact. No cellphones allowed.

Samson didn't react to my story at all; he just wrote something down and then said, "Why were you angry over the cell phone?"

Looking over the ceiling, I told him, "I wasn't. If I was afraid of them being distracted and not actually paying attention to what I was trying to teach, I would ban laptops as well. Force them to use only pen and paper to take notes. If they want to fail that's their problem. I hightly doubt that the students who actually take my gradute classes would want to fail. This is their lives, that's why they're there."

"So, why were you so upset that you took it out on a poor college student's Nokia?"

Sighing, I pushed up in the seat and told him about my conversation with Rick earlier that day. I told him about Betty and the project.

"So that's why you're in your lab coat," he remarked when I told him I had come to his office straight from the lab.

Hell, I even told him about Sebastian.

Samson was trying to push the smile down off his face as I mentioned my current love life, and I felt a bit of happiness that he was happy for me. I wasn't sure if I wanted to devulge that fact, but we promised each other a while ago before I agreed to these sessions that I wouldn't hide anything. "You've finally come out and admitted it, that's great."

Staring at him, I asked, "You knew?"

"Yes. Are you kidding me, Bruce? Take Betty for example-"

Holding up a hand, I cut him off before he got started, "Can we stop it right there, please? I don't need a recap of my bad decision making."

Samson stopped talking but he had that smile back on his face. "So you admit you've made bad desicions in your relationships? You used to think that they never appreciated you. That no matter how hard you tried, you could never do anything right to please them. That it was their fault and never yours."

He was good. The bastard. "Isn't getting me to admit my shortcomings one of the reasons for these talks?"

Samson smiled in agreement. These moments of silences never lasted too long in this office and he barely let that smile cross his face before it was gone. "There's an anger management class on Wednesdays-"

"I told you no last week."

"Doesn't hurt to try this week, especially since you threw a cell phone into a wall."

It was getting harder to stay seated with him staring at me like that. I let out a huff of air which only increased my anger instead of dampening it. My jaw popped as I moved it around to relieve the tension which also increased the anger. Why was it that every stress relief techinque I tried only increased my anger? Like anger management classes. I had been to one before about five years ago and it only seemed to make everything worse.

"Let me ask you something...How long have you and Sebastian been dating?"

"Seven weeks."

"Almost two months," he said in surprise before asking, "Do you want a long lasting relationship with him?"

I loved Sebastian; I did. That was why I could no longer discuss him with Leonard. This felt wrong, in a way; like a betrayal of our trust. "I don't think I want this aspect of my life to be part of our sessions."

Samson wasn't expecting that; and instead of telling me that I was the one who brought it up, he said, "How're you sleeping?"

My jaw clicked again as I worked my tongue around and bit the inside of my cheek causing my cheek muscle to twitch. This wasn't working. The more questions he asked, the angrier I was becoming. Yet I didn't leave; not yet. I think I wanted, or needed, to follow this line of questioning through. My head was pounding and my thoughts were so scattered I almost forgot the question. "I'm managing."

He gave a nod and turned his pen over in his hand. "You don't look well rested. You're wearing the same clothes as yesterday. Insomnia is a predecessor to other destructive behavior for you, Bruce. Any recreational drug usage-"

"No," I lied and I swallowed hard as I looked to the floor and felt my hand twitch.

"And your drinking?" he asked after a moments pause.

I stilled and blinked back. How? Samson didn't smile as he tilted his head and waited. His eyes did have an "I know all" look about them. Fuck. It was then that the voice in my head decided to join in on the conversation. _He knows? And how do you think he got that information, hm? Oh, he's really playing with you now, Banner. You've been betrayed. Tell me, how does that make you feel? _Sighing in defeat I told him, "Nine years down the drain."

"You know-"

"If there's anyone here who truly knows then yes, I do," I snapped; my anger finally breaking through. "How did you know?"

He didn't say but I thought I already knew. It was how Leonard knew I was wearing the same clothes from the day before. I wasn't the only one who was friends with the doc. Looking away, I shook my head because just thinking that Rick was talking about me to Leonard behind my back flared the heat in my chest.

_That's it, Banner. Get angry. He's not giving anything in return is he? It's all take, take, take with this guy, and no answers in return. If I were you, I'd leave. Did you hear me, Banner? Leave. Get up and walk out._

If their was anyone who ever wanted to reach inside their own mind and pull out a piece of themselves and strangle it to death, it was me. Ignoring that voice in my head, I listened to Doc Samson instead, but then he had me right back in that the dark space once again when I heard his words.

"There was a reason that you stopped drinking nine years ago, Bruce. A pretty significant one." Samson stood from the chair he was sitting in next to mine and went to his desk. He pulled out a file from a drawer and came back over to sit down. "I'm going show you a series of photos from your file-"

"I have a file?"

"Everybody has a file, Bruce. You know the drill; tell me the first thing that comes to mind," he said right before he held up a picture of General Ross.

Where did he get that? I blinked back at the photo of Betty's father and sighed as I said evenly, "Hate."

"You _hate_ him?"

Taking my eyes off of the picture, I looked at Samson as I told him, "The other way around, actually."

Samson gave a nod and put the photo down as he asked, "What do _you_ _feel_ towards him?"

I shrugged my answer. Samson didn't like that fact that I refused to voice my feelings toward Ross but dropped the picture and took out another photo. My breath caught and it wasn't lost on the good doctor. It was a picture of Betty. "Where'd you get that?"

"I told you; in your file."

The clenching in my jaw got worse. I'd been seeing Samson for a while now; he's been my friend longer than he's been my therapist. He knew just about all my secrets by now. The picture, however, was one I recognized but hadn't seen in years.

"Bruce, why did you come to see me today?" he asked. "Your scheduled appointment isn't until Friday."

Staring at the picture, I told him, "You don't know what it's like."

"What what's like?"

"To be me." My voice sounded flat. No emotion at all. I was empty as I looked at that picture. It didn't help that I was in it as well.

"Then tell me so I will understand. So I can help you. It seems that all we've been doing lately is going around in circles."

Opening my mouth to speak, I was just about to ask where he wanted me to start when something hit the window causing me to snap my mouth shut as I jerked my head around.

Samson was looking at the window too and got up with a muttered curse as he went to investigate what had hit it. He pushed open the window and yelled down the two stories, "Hey, no baseball in the quad. You could've broken my window!"

I looked back at the file, _my_ file, that was sitting on his chair. Leaning over, I picked up the picture and stared at it. That was it. I was done. Dropping the photo back down, I lurched up from the chair and headed toward the door.

"Bruce? Bruce, I know that this subject-"

Stopping, I turned around and told him as evenly as possible, "I'm done, Leonard."

He closed his mouth in disbelief and then, after a short pause, asked hopefully, "You want to reschedule?"

"Sure, we'll reschedule. How about never? Is never good for you," I told him before I opened the door.

"Nine o'clock tomorrow morning's better," Samson yelled out the door as I slammed it shut for good measure.

* * *

><p><em><span>Research Lab<span>_

As I approached the table she turned and the look she gave me could have sent any other man running for the hills. I couldn't because I really wanted to keep my job at the university and I'd be damned if she made me forget that. She looked pissed as hell that I'd taken longer than the twenty minute break I told her I was taking. It had been over an hour. I hadn't told her it was because I had to talk to Doc Samson before I lost my cool with her as well. Nope, wasn't going to mention me in therapy to her at all.

Shaking it off, I decided to give her a couple of minutes as I made a left turn toward the counter to get a cup of coffee. When I looked back over my shoulder to where she was sitting, I saw the look of confusion on her face before she went back to reviewing her powerpoint slideshow.

To try to not amplify the tension in the room, I poured another cup of coffee before heading her way. I sat back down next to her with the demeanor of a man not knowing if his seat was going to explode under him or not and asked tentatively as I offered her the other cup, "What?"

She just shook her head at my question but took the cup from my hand without a 'thanks'.

After she took a few sips of the coffee, I cleared my throat of the tightness that had gripped it. I really didn't want her to be mad at me, or to think that I resented her being here. So, trying not to put my foot in my mouth, I said, "This, it kind-of reminds me of the old days."

Her response was to stare at me like she was surprised I had brought up the past at all. "You're right, it does. You haven't changed at all."

Okay. This wasn't working. I knew that tone. She gave me a look of annoyance; however, unlike Sebastian's look of annoyance, her was no longer cute. "How so?" I asked as I took a sip of the coffee.

Her eyes narrowed as she said, "How about making me wait over an hour for you to return when you told me that it would only take twenty minutes." She turned away, looking back at her notes as she said, "Typical you."

Putting the cup down as I stared over at her, a pain hit my chest like it'd been punched. Tearing my eyes away from her so I could speak again, I lamely said, "I meant us...working together."

I heard her sigh and winced at her next words. "Bruce, you don't have to do that."

"I'm not doing anything," I went to say when I looked up. At seeing her staring at me, I stopped. She wasn't buying my act at all.

Picking up my cup of coffee, I took another sip as I looked over the table. She had notebooks full of data covering the space between us but she was no longer paying attention to any of it. Betty had spent the first hour before I had left to meet with Samson trying to fill me in. We were going over everything that they, meaning the military, had tried so far; their most recent development was of a type of serum that served as their blueprint for the project. They had to take that serum and modify it, enhance it, and basicially, make the shit work. This was going to end up being a disaster if we couldn't find a way to make this civil.

And I was trying to be civil. She was just making it so damn difficult.

"Are you enjoying this?"

Glancing around the lab, I didn't want to get into this with her so I searched out something to focus on. That was when I spotted Rick cross the room leaning over a microscope; he hadn't been there when I left and I hadn't noticed him when I'd come back, but it was a huge lab with sections split off by glass divider walls. I swallowed my anger with him down as I told her without taking my eyes off Rick, "I'm not sure. We've just started this thing and all we've done so far is a recap."

Rick looked up from the mircoscope and glanced over at me and I knew immediately that I wouldn't dwell on his betrayal. He looked apologtic, like he knew I had gotten back from a visit with Samson, and maybe he did know. All of my anger toward him deflated like a punctured balloon and I gave him a weak smile. I couldn't help myself. He was my friend. I didn't have many friends.

"I'm not talking about the project."

I looked to the table as I closed my eyes. I knew that but I wasn't interested in talking about what she wanted to talk about. Of course, having some form of self-preservation, I opted out of telling her that. Instead, I glanced over at her and asked, "Then what do you think I'm enjoying?"

Her eyes looked hurt as she said, "Lying to me. You're trying to make me feel like you're okay with me being here when I know you'd rather not have me here at all."

I'd forgotten how blunt she could be that it took me nearly a whole minute to process what she'd just said. Then, all I could think of to say was, "What?"

"I didn't ask for this-"

"Sure you didn't," I said with a knowing smile as I recovered. If anything, she begged her father for this. "No, you just needed the best their was, and how convenient that it just so happened to be me. You asked for this, I know you did. So stop trying to tell me different because I'm not going to buy it," I told her as I shook my head.

Those wounded eyes never wavered, not even when she closed her laptop and stood up. I was about to say something else when there was a knock at the door and then it opened to a very familiar and very unbelieveable voice right then.

"Is Doctor Banner allowed to have visitors, and dinner, or is he strictly confined to the lab?"

Turning around, I saw Sebastian standing right inside the door; his blue eyes were amused as he crossed his arms and looked around. "Wow, this is actually quite impressive. I now see why it's so hard to drag you away. It's like...a love nest of science geeks in here."

Rick broke the silence that filled the room and his voice sounded like a shot in the dark as it caused me to nearly jump out of my skin. "You're Sebastian? Dude, you look like you were carved out of marble like some Greek God."

Sebastian smiled as he stepped over to Rick and shook his hand. "You've got to be Rick. It's nice to finally meet you. Bruce talks about you all the time."

"Ditto," Rick said back as they shook hands.

I saw the look on Rick's face as they shook hands, and the way he was admiring Sebastian's looks. And Sebastian, he was smiling at Rick and the hand shake seemed to last longer than it should've. It wasn't reasonable, or logicial, but I felt a gnawing sickness in my stomach as my jaw twitched.

Glancing back at Betty, I saw her confused look before I turned back to Sebastian and finally realized that he was waiting on me "Uh, yeah, um...just," I stopped trying to talk as I walked over to him and ushered him away from Rick and out of the lab. Closing the door behind us, my hand slid from the small of his back where I dropped my hand as I looked up at him as I said, "You told me you were working?"

"I was," he said with a smile and shrug. "I finished early. So, dinner? I can call ahead if you want and grab it to go if that'll be better. I know you're busy with all that," he looked into the lab and shook his head in fasination and confusion, "whatever it is you're doing."

Any other time and I would have jumped at the opportunity, but I really didn't have the time. Checking my watch, I instead made another plan. "How about you give me two hours to finish up and I'll meet at my house and I'll cook you dinner."

Sebastian grinned as he said, "You're going to cook for me? This I've got to see." He hesitated for a long moment, looked around, and then leaned forward to give me a quick kiss.

I stopped him as I moved back as I told him, "Not here." He wrapped his arms me for a hug instead and I nearly pushed him back as I said, "C'mon. I said not here, this is where I work."

"Sorry," he said as he stepped back with his hands up in mock surrender. "You've got two hours," he said as he held up two fingers. He went to walk away but held back as he looked me over and said with a laugh, "You didn't change?"

"How could I? You wouldn't let me out of bed."

"Oh, blame it on me!" he said as he started down the hall. It was hard not to watch him walk all the way down it until he turned the corner.

The second he opened the door to walk back into the lab I heard Rick say, "You should have moved away from the door, Bruce."

I stopped and stared at Rick before looking to Betty. My hold on the door knob tightened at her startled eyes, pale face, and a frigid posture. I didn't have to ask to know. Closing my eyes, I rubbed my fingers over the bridge of my nose as I turned toward the door. I opened them to see the little window that gave anyone inside a view of the hallway.

"So..." Rick said after a long moment when neither I nor Betty spoke. "This is awkward. Has anyone noticed that awkward is one of the most awkward words ever. _Awk_...ward."

"Rick," I said in a tone that told him to shut up and leave. Having known me for a long time, Rick got up and left with me having to order him to do it.

As he walked by, he stopped and whispered, "You have nothing to be sorry for." Then was gone, leaving only me and Betty in the room.

I had no idea how much yelling was going to happen, but I didn't want anyone else in the building to hear it so I shut the door and just stood there, arms crossed and eyes on the floor because I honestly had no idea what to say.

It wasn't easy for one to see your ex with someone else. It was something else to see him with another man. I felt for Betty, I really did, but Rick was right. I had no reason to apologize. Betty had left me. She had ended it and had never spoken to me again for ten years. Why the hell wasn't she married to some military jock jackass with kids already by now anyway?

Just when I thought she wasn't going to accuse me of anything, she said, "You...you're...How could you?"

That snapped my head up and the knot in my chest tightened not with guilt or shame but with rage. How could I? "What?" That seemed to be my go-to word when I was totally floored. Then I quickly kicked my head into gear as I said, "How could I what, exactly? Finally accept who I am, and appreciate someone so much that it hurts to love them? Because if it's anything other than any of those things, then you can just shut, up."

She looked like she'd been slapped across the face with those last two words. Good. I hope it stung. "Don't you tell me to shut up, Bruce. You can't just-"

"I can't just what?! First, you have absolutely no right to be upset about any of this. We've been done and over with for ten fucking years." That caught her by surprise because in the time we'd really known each other, intimiately and otherwise, I'd hardly ever cursed and I never once lost my temper. Most who knew me considered me a mild mannered type of guy. I was mostly quiet, shy, and I could hold my tongue when the situation called for it. Yet, there was a reason I was in therapy. There was a reason I have anger issues, and there was a reason why I was seconds away from picking up a chair and throwing it across the room. And one of those reasons looked seconds away from bursting into tears. It sickened me to think that a small part of me wanted her to cry her eyes out. "And last I checked, you ended it with me...and _thank God_."

Shaking my head, I walked over the table where I'd left my backpack and suit jacket. I traded the lab coat for the jacket and dumped all my notes for the project and files into the bag and turned to leave.

"He's a lucky guy."

That brought my tirade to a standing halt. What did she say? Turning, I faced her and saw that the shock was gone and in its place was something else. She looked almost..._No_, I shook my head again as I felt my defenses getting kicked down by that look. If Betty was fucking with me…I studied her face and knew she wasn't. She was serious. My breathing got harder as I blinked back and took it all in as the pain engulfed my chest. I eyed her and asked, genuinely confused, "You're jealous?"

Betty looked ready to kick my ass but she also looked guilty, and gut-wrenchingly...sad. She gave a nod as her eyes watered.

She was jealous. I had to admit, it felt good. For the first time a while, I was amused. I laughed; couldn't help it. She looked ready to shoot me and it still didn't stifle my amusement. I felt I had one upped her in some weird way. After everything she put me through, _she_ was the one who was jealous of me, of Sebastian.

A tear slid down her face and my amusement faded as I thought of how horrible this really was for her. "Ten years," she said as she stared back at me and shook her head, "and I still can't get you off my mind, Bruce. Ten years I have felt regret for everything that I had put you through. I was so young, and stupid, but I did love you. You don't know how many times I thought of picking up the phone and calling. You were right, I was lying. I wanted to come here. I wanted to see you again. It's too late now, isn't it? That man…" she trailed off as she shook her head. "I can't even finish that sentence."

Sliding the backpack off my shoulder, I dropped it to the floor as I stepped over to her. Ten years of hurt and anger couldn't erase the fact that at the end of the day, Elizabeth Ross was still a friend. Pulling her into a hug, I let her cry and there was no victory won. If anything, I thought I felt worse.

"I'm sorry," I finally told her as she pulled back and with no embarrassment at all wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry," I said again, but this time for a completely different reason, "for all of this. I didn't..." I didn't want her to know about me and Sebastian at all. This had been the worst way imaginable to break it to her, but it also had to be done. I guess I was glad it was sooner rather than later. "I know it's hard for you...with all this."

"It's okay." She gave a nod and said, "I think one of the reasons I needed to see you again was to finally put it behind me. There was so much between us that it was hard to leave it all in the past."

"You needed to know that we were completely over?" I asked to reason it out, not only for her but for myself. "I thought I made that clear."

She was hugging herself now as she stared into my eyes with so much regret it hurt to keep looking at her. I dropped my eyes as I heard her say, "What you did nine years ago, Bruce...that was a cry for help. And it was all my fault."

"It wasn't," I said as I shook my head. "I was going through a lot and...and I was dealing with, and denying, a lot," I stressed. _Still am_, I thought as I looked at the floor in the small gap between us. "I'm with Sebastian, Betty. Part of what happened nine years ago was due to...the denial I had about who I was. It wasn't _only_ because of what happened between us..." I sighed and tried to clear my head. "It's not important. I don't care about any of that. Not anymore. So, what? I'm thirty-four years old and I'm still learning to love. That's pathetic, but at least I'm not lying to myself anymore. You don't need to feel guilty about anything that happened or why it happened. If anyting I should be apologizing to you."

She had finally settled down and was looking somewhat better. Her smile was back and I would rather see that than anything. "What're you saying? Do you want to pretend that none of that never happened?"

"No, that's not..." I didn't know what the hell I wanted from her. All I knew was what I had thought the moment I put that backpack down and pulled her into a hug. "We were friends once. My friend is who I've missed when I thought about you over the last ten years. I want my friend back. I want that crazy college girl who tripped out so bad on hallucinogens that she stripped naked and ran across campus-"

She pushed me hard with a laugh as she said, "That was your fault. You tricked me into taking more than what we were instructed. I had no idea the effect it would have on me."

"You're right, I did trick you. Then I joined you," I said with a smirk. "It looked like fun and my body had felt like it was being engulfed by a volcano."

"My father still brings that up. Every time I need help financially he says that I still owe him bail money. We both do. We were so lucky that they dropped the charges."

I nodded as I gave a shrug. Then I asked, "Wanna get a beer?"

"I thought you quit drinking," she said as she went to gather all her stuff off the table.

"You also thought I was straight."

"Apparently I wasn't the only one," she said right back as she tucked her laptop into her bag and I smiled at that little jab. That sounded like the Betty I used to know.

I slung my backpack over my shoulder as I pulled out my ID badge to get us out of the building as she grabbed her jacket off the back of the chair. As we headed out of the lab and into the hallway, I checked my watch and told her, "We have a little over an hour. Then I have to go home and cook dinner."

"Stop rubbing it in."

"Sorry, didn't know I was." Looking back at her, I saw the teasing look in her eyes and groaned as my hand went to my chest in mock pain. "Oh, you got me."

She laughed a little and more of the tension had evaporated between us. I wondered if some of it had been there because she had, deep down, thought we were a possiblity again. Now that she knew that was no longer a possiblity, it was like she was able to breathe again. She seemed lighter, more herself and less like, well, a bitch. "I'm really not crazy. I...That was so unexpected."

"I know the feeling." After a long walk through the halls, I finally got up the nerve to ask, "Are you going to be okay with this? I'm not saying tonight, or tomorrow, but one day?"

Betty gave that some serious thought as we walked and then she nodded, saying, "I sure hope so."

Holding the door open for her, we fell in-step as we started down the sidewalk and toward the nearest bar. "So, is there anyone...uh, worth mentioning in your life?"

She chuckled and gave a shrug but didn't say more. I didn't push her for information either. We didn't talk for much of the walk. There as a light breeze in the air along with a hint of Fall. It smelt like rain and leaves; I couldn't wait for the changing season. Fall was the one I looked forward to the most. Knowing that I had plans with Sebastian to hike and camp in the mountains during the long four day weekend in October made me smile and think that maybe this could all work out.

As we neared the bar and the crowd of colledge students, some undergrads but mostly grad students, I asked her, "What's the deal with Iggy?"

Betty looked confused but it slowly spread into a smile and laugh. "I wondered what you'd thought up to call him. He's a Russian scientist."

"I got that part of his resume. Is he American military?"

"He's a consultant to my father. Apparently he worked on a similiar formula in Russia but was unable to generate the most efficiant results."

I stopped her right there as I stepped in front of her and said, "You're being extremely vague. What were his results? And how did he know that it didn't work? Did he use human test subjects?"

"Slow down, Bruce. I have all the files he brought over with him for this project. It's all in there; you should read it."

Giving a nod, I told her, "I will." Looking over at the building next to us, I gestured to the door and we both slipped inside the dark bar.

We spent over an hour and a half catching up. She knew all about my research, my work, and my failings as a scientist. Although, she didn't call them failings. She ensured me that one day I would get my grant. I wanted to believe her just like I wanted to believe Sebastian, and Rick, and Dr. Selvig. Maybe third time was the charm. I just had to succeed with this project and I would be a lock-in for sure.

Despite everything I had said, I had kept myself up to date on Betty as well. She was a tentured professor at Harvard where we had met as undergrads. In her spare time, she worked with the military on projects like this one for her father. Her efforts, unlike mine, had been awarded a grant and she had received a Novartis Medal for her work in Biochemistry. She was all work and no play, much like myself, but all her hard work had something to show for it.

"You'll get there, Bruce, don't give up."

I had nodded and ordered another drink; this time a whiskey, three fingers worth. With the echo of Doc Leo Samson's voice in my head, I tried not to think about what other self-destructive tendencies I would be participating in tonight as I downed the drink in one gulp.

I walked her back to the parking lot where she got in to her car sometime later. I stopped counting the minutes the moment I sat the whiskey glass down on the bar and ordered another. "Are we really okay?" I asked as I opened her car door for her.

Betty smiled and gave a nod. I didn't know how sincere she was being, but I did know she was making the effort. It actually warmed my heart to think that one day she really would be okay with me the way I was now, and with the man I loved. That she would find someone else and that person would make her as happy as Sebastian made me. My drunkenness had more versions than just angry, I could also be sappy. And quiet. I preferred myself as a quiet drunk among all the others I could be.

She only had two beers and I knew how well she held her alcohol so I wasn't concerned as she backed out of the space and headed home. I, on the other hand, had more than I should've and there was no way I was driving unless I had a death wish.

Turning on my heels, I headed toward the bus stop.

* * *

><p><em><span>Bruce's House<span>_

_"You're late."_

Those two words still vibrated in my head hours after they had been spoken. Those words had only been the beginning. Leaning my head back agaisnt the wall, I closed my eyes and buried my face in my hand as I felt the tears threatening to break. That feeling of being raw, open and vulnerable, tore at my control as the anguish quickly morphed into hate.

My head pounded into the wall behind me and the pain ignited the rage. I hit my head again then my elbows, arms, and then fists finally joined in on the punishment.

_"You're late."_

_Pulling my jacket off, I tossed it onto the chair as I walked into the kitchen. "Yeah, sorry. I had to wait for the bus."_

_Sebastian peered over his shoulder at me, his eyes sweeping up and down before saying, "You're late and you've been drinking."_

_"Grabbed a few after..." I didn't want to explain everything to him right then so I left it at that as I headed to the refrigerator. I needed water. My mouth was dry and my head was swimming. It was hard to think. Finding a bottle behind the milk I twisted the cap off as I used my foot to shut the door._

_Sebastian was the one at the stove cooking. That was supposed to have been my job tonight and I immediately apologized. "I know, I'm sorry. I promised you that I would cook," I mumbled into his back as I moved up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist._

_He didn't push me away, or say anything, so I thought we were okay. Things happened; I lost track of time and maybe I was wrong in what I had done but there wasn't anything I could do about it now. Kissing his back, I stepped away and headed out of the kitchen. I grabbed my discarded backpack from the floor by the staircase and picked it up to take it to my room._

_Halfway up the stairs my foot slipped and I stumbled forward, dropping the water bottle but not the bag. "I'm okay," I called out as I watched the water bottle bounce all the way back down the stairs and roll around the floor._

_Leaving the bottle where it was, I continued my trek up to the bedroom and then into the shower. By the time I went back down to the kitchen to eat I felt a little more sober and awake. Sebastian was in the living room flipping through channels as I stopped at the bottom of the steps to pick up the dropped bottle of water. I chugged the water as I looked from him to the kitchen table, and with seeing only one plate set and half the food gone, I said, "You couldn't wait?"_

_The moment I said it, I knew it was the wrong thing to say as Sebastian stared over at me with a look like he wanted to slam my head into the wall. It was funny that he and Betty had that exact same look._

_"I waited, Bruce. You could've at least called."_

_"Oh, c'mon, don't tell me you were worried sick too," I said as I walked into the kitchen and tossed the now empty bottle into the recycling bin by the backdoor._

_"In fact, I was," he said as I heard him get up from the couch and toss the remote on the table._

_I leaned my hands on the table as I peered over the food; he'd made a fresh salad, chicken parmesan, and there was an unopened bottle of red wine sitting on the counter. He'd gone all out. And I had gone out. I was late. "I'm sorry," I said this time with as much conviction as I could._

_There wasn't anything else I could say. Everything that came to mind sounded like an excuse, and excuses weren't good enough. Looking over at him, I saw the way his eyes wouldn't meet mine. He looked so crestfallen. He looked ready to give up and quit. That was when I realized he was giving up on us._

_"Please, Sebastian, I am so sorry," I said again as I pushed off the table and walked over to him. With fear and desperate need nearly strangling me, I pulled him into a hug. "Please, please, forgive me."_

_To my relief he didn't shove me away like I feared. Instead, he hugged back and let me apologize over and over until I was taking his face in my hands and kissing him long and hard between sorry's._

_"I'm so bad at this," I finally admitted as I gripped his shirt and leaned my head on his chest. "I don't know how to stop from fucking this up. It's what I do. This is what I do and I don't know how to not do it."_

_His hold tightened as he hugged me tighter as I berated myself in my own head. I couldn't stop that voice from telling me again how pathetic I was. How I didn't deserve a man like Sebastian, that I didn't deserve love at all. I worthless and I was starting to believe that voice._

_That was when Sebastian grabbed hold of me and kissed me deeply as he shoved me against the wall. I had no idea what was going on but I didn't care. I stopped thinking, stopped caring, and stopped breathing as he took my breath away._

_Somehow we made it up to my bedroom without killing ourselves on the stairs and everything after that was a meshed into one big blur of hot sweat, burning flesh, and a lot of noises that ended in a gasp of pure ecstasy. Then everything hurt. My legs hurt, my back, my ass...but all in very good way._

_My breath came back slowly as did my vision and hearing and sight. Sebastian was lying next to me. His hand was running through the hair on my chest, making small circles, before he gripped my hip and kissed down the long trail of hair past my stomach. I thought I was spent until I felt him there and my eyes closed._

_I came again with a weak groan as I bit hard on my bottom lip. The pain helped to keep me from drifting off. It centered me on that bed with Sebastian coming back up to lay on top of me._

_He kissed my neck, my jaw, and as he went to kiss my mouth, said, "What's on your mind?" That caught me off guard as we kissed. I didn't know why he had asked that until he explained, "I may not know what all your sounds or looks mean just yet, but I do know when your mind is elsewhere during sex. You barely made a sound with all the things I was doing to you."_

_"Maybe that's because you're not as good as you think you are."_

_Again, I should come with a warning sign because that one snide remark was like a knee to Sebastian's balls. He pushed up suddenly, stared hard at me in disbelief, and then he was gone._

_Fuck._

_"Wait," I called out as I quickly scrambled out of bed and pulled on my boxers. He was practically down the hallway by then with most of his clothes in his arms. "Wait, Sebastian! I didn't mean that!" I stumbled down the steps and spotted him dressing by the door._

_As I hit the bottom floor, he said, "If you didn't mean it why'd you say it? Why do you say anything that would even hurt me like that? Or yourself? God, Bruce, do you even think about the things you say before you say them?"_

_He wanted to know why? Because I'm an idiot, that's why. Because it was so much easier for me to push people away than to encourage them to stay. Because...because, I didn't think I deserved better. For all the things I have done, for who I was, I deserved all the misery life had to offer._

_And knowing all of that was the real reason I was so damn angry. It was why I could be so self-destructive and how I could destroy everything by saying some stupid-ass sarcastic remark that I didn't even mean but I knew it would hurt. I knew it, and I said it anyway._

_We stared at each other for a long moment and I knew I was supposed to say something. Trying to figure that out was harder than it should've been._

_All I could think to say with an fucking easy, self-depriving smile on my face while I did it, was, "I don't blame you," as I turned away and let him leave._

All I could see was red as I turned around and slammed my fist into the wall. The pain radiated all the way up my arm and I knew I had over did it. I had strained or broken something but I didn't care. There was so much hate blinding me that I could have kept swinging until every bone in my hands were shattered. Instead, the strangled cry that I'd been hold in broke free as I screamed out my pain. The scream turned to sobs as I folded in on myself as my insides felt like they were dying.

I don't know how long I stayed on the floor in my bedroom withering in pain but by the end of it I felt dead. Exhaustion over took my head and my movements were sluggish as I pulled myself up onto my bed and collasped.

Everything I did all day was wrong and I kept making Sebastian hate me more and more. The thing was, I didn't know why I had done any of it. It was as if I was sinking in on myself and the harder I fought against the pull the worse it got.

It felt like depression, but up until that night I had no reason to be depressed. I had Sebastian, I was working on a project that could change my career, and I had my job at the university. There had been no reason for me to have felt one step closer to losing it. It had to be the exhaustion. Over the weekend, I had overly exhausted myself and barely slept even though I had been physically and mentally dead for the most part. I wasn't even sure how I had managed to do the things I did with Sebastian while in bed tonight, but somehow I had found the energy.

Four days. That was how long I had gone without any real sleep. Four long days. In that moment, staring at the opposite wall, I realized I hadn't slept since Thursday night. That had been the night I had met with Betty and Iggy to go over the aspects of the project.

Before I could dwell on it any longer, everything faded to black.

TBC...


End file.
